For those of you on the other side of the world, IHOP stands for International House of Pancakes. It’s a restaurant that specializes in breakfast, but it’s only truly great because, in many locations, you can order breakfast 24 hours a day. It’s not very international, though, so I don’t want the joke to be lost on you actual internationals.

In the multiverse, Earth can be a wonderful place to live, and for most people is a definitive place to die. Still, despite these near certainties, there are many misunderstood points about life on our planet, and although technology has helped us better explore the mysteries of the universe, it has not provided all the answers, like why we feel lonelier the more we use it.

For example, the planet is set on vibrate and earthquakes are text messages from God. Unfortunately, no one has yet figured out how to read them on plate tectonics or when God will send another message (if He’s angry or trying to rekindle what has been, since its inception, an on-again/off-again relationship). There is less confusion over whether or not rainfall represents God’s tears. It doesn’t.

This comic is based on an actual conversation my wife and I had.

I’ve had sewage on my mind since watching the Cohen Brothers True Grit. Early in the movie, Matty Ross’s search for Rooster Cogburn leads her to an outhouse. When she knocks on the door, we hear Jeff Bridges’ Rooster growl from inside: “The jakes is occupied.” She knocks again, and he says again, with even more gravel, “I said the jakes is occupied.”

“The jakes” is a term I remember from my Shakespeare. And here it is, in a Hollywood movie. It is just the beginning of the linguistic weirdness of True Grit. (The lingo they use. And where’d the contractions go?) For me, it is love at first shite.

Some bands are made of people. Some are made of robots. And one, just one, was made out of bioengineered cheese monsters.