My wife is a NICU nurse, meaning that even without witnessing the births of my children, I would be elbows-deep in neonatal vocabulary. Case in point: from where I’m sitting RIGHT THIS SECOND, a bookshelf filled with medical textbooks threatens to collapse on me.

Dear JANE SMITH

A message from your friends at Peapod. You may shop anytime, anywhere. Our personal shoppers are currently working to assemble your order. We greatly appreciate the trust you place in us.

Sincerely,
The Peapod Team.

It has become an unofficial Friday the 13th tradition to mangle Winslow in some way. This started last year when we had THREE Friday the 13ths running wild and unsupervised through our calendar, and coincided with the creation of Dr. Spiderqueen. This year we just have the one, giving Winslow plenty of recovery time until his next brush with death.

In March of 2013, O’Brien University in West Newbridge, NJ had its first chance to use an alert system that enabled campus police officers to notify students of emergency situations via text message. Here is the transcript of that incident:

10:53 am
OU ALERT: Armed man has been spotted near campus Taco Bell ®. Find shelter immediately. Campus police arriving at scene.

Aspara Gus, the walking, talking, disturbingly human-looking and distinctly male salad, was never meant to live more than a week. This is probably for the best. Without constant watering and/or refrigeration, Gus was doomed to wither and die like the vegetables my wife accidentally stores in that one drawer in the refrigerator that doesn’t quite work like the vegetable crisper it was advertised to be. So I suppose this fate is better. More humane. Or whatever. Not really.