Dear JANE SMITH
A message from your friends at Peapod. You may shop anytime, anywhere. Our personal shoppers are currently working to assemble your order. We greatly appreciate the trust you place in us.
Sincerely,
The Peapod Team.
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Dear Peapod,
I appreciate you, too! With my daughter grown and a husband who rarely says, “hello,” let alone “thank you,” well, this means a lot to me. Most people can’t take the time to be civil anymore. Just the other day I bumped into someone in the checkout line at Dominicks. I apologized immediately but the man just shot me a dirty look. On top of that, his nose and ears were absolutely stuffed with hair! It was like being scowled at by a creature from Star Wars. Do people still know Star Wars?
Your kindness is much appreciated.
Janie.
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Dear JANE SMITH,
Your order will be delivered on Tuesday, May 14, 2013 between 4:00pm and 6:00pm. Our personal shoppers are currently assembling your items. We know you have a choice when you shop, and we thank you for choosing Peapod.com.
Sincerely,
Your friends at Peapod.
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Dear Peapod,
So nice to hear from you again so soon! There’s nothing like a note from a friend to lift your day. I certainly need a lift. Last night, I leaned over to turn off the light and my husband, Bob mumbled, “You’ve really let yourself go.” The bastard. We used to love each other, but now it’s like we run a business together, cooking meals, taking out the trash, cleaning the toilets. We used to make love in the shower. Now we argue over how to arrange the furniture. He didn’t even notice the carrots I put on the grocery order. With your help I’ll get my slim hips back.
Thanks so much for listening!
Janie.
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Dear JANE SMITH,
I am very sorry, but the following items are not currently available for your order. The option to choose reasonable substitutions must not have been clearly shown on our checkout screen. We do apologize for the inconvenience this has caused you. Would it be acceptable to substitute broccoli for romanesco? Dean’s double chocolate fudge ice cream for Stonyfield Chocolate Yogurt? And Always Maxi Pads Overnight with Wings for Kotex Deluxe?
Again, we apologize for the inconvenience and would like to offer you $3.00 off delivery on a future order. Thank you for choosing Peapod.com
Sincerely,
Your friends at Peapod.com
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Dear Peapod,
I just found glitter on Bob’s shirt! He’s probably got some skinny twenty one year old old grinding her crotch in his face right now. Why did ever believe him when he told me he loved me? You know, a few months ago Bob told me he was bored with his life. So I started cooking Tex-Mex to liven things up — and this is how he repays me! I’ve half a mind to drive over there and confront him. Do you know where The Dollhouse II is located?
Yours in friendship,
Janie.
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Dear JANE SMITH,
We are very sorry for the inconvenience, but your credit card was declined. Would you please take a moment to update your account information? Our personal shoppers are currently assembling your items.
Sincerely,
Your friends at Peapod.com.
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Dear Peapod,
I think I may have a suspicious lump on my breast! I noticed it when I was adjusting my bra while parked at a stoplight. The jerk in the car next to me started laughing. I feel so alone. The lump isn’t very big, and it could just be clogged milk duct. My sister, Harriet had a clogged duct and her husband helped her clear it. But I can’t imagine asking Bob to do this for me now. I need something to uplift me. Maybe that ice cream you suggested will help? You are so thoughtful. If you know a good solution to my problem with the clogged duct, please contact me. I’m open to anything.
Forever yours,
Janie
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Dear JANE SMITH,
It appears there are duplicate items on your order. Did you intend to order 11 jars of mayonnaise? We apologize if our ordering system confused you. Customer satisfaction is our highest concern.
Sincerely,
Your friends at Peapod.com.
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Dear Peapod,
I decided to lock myself in the closet. It’s quieter. But also lonely. I’m thankful I have good friends like you to count on in times like these. Bob texted me earlier. No dinner. Important meeting. He has no idea our marriage teeters on the brink. I feel I have to do something tonight, something to take back a sense of myself, to feel whole again, to love and even for an instant to believe I am loved again. Do you know what I mean?
Awaiting your reply.
Janie
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Dear JANE SMITH,
This is your delivery driver, Bruno. I’ll be by around 4:00pm. If you like, we can talk. I know what it’s like to feel alone and misunderstood as I have only one testicle. Last night, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend, gazing up the ceiling in that comfortable silence you share with someone you love. The pull cords from my ceiling fan dangled above us, two strings, each with a ball on the end for grasping to change the speed of the fan or turn off the lights. I mumbled, “I think I’m going to cut one of those off.” This morning, I found the drawer she keeps at my place empty, hanging open like a panting dog’s mouth.
I’d enjoy an opportunity to chat with you.
Bruno
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Dear Peapod,
Pervert! Be warned, my husband knows Judo and has two very effective testicles.
————
Dan Ganzalez lives and works in Chicagoland, where he is a proud member of the Evanston Homebrew Club. Dan is fascinated by psychology, which led him to label one of his ales with the name, “Ass Juice,” just to see if anyone in the club would drink it during their meeting. They did. Dan is currently working on a homebrewing related novel. His fiction can be found at Hobo Pancakes, Icebox Journal, and The Eunoia Review.