“Campus Alert System,” by John Carroll and Nick Klinger

Sep 11th, 2013 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

In March of 2013, O’Brien University in West Newbridge, NJ had its first chance to use an alert system that enabled campus police officers to notify students of emergency situations via text message.  Here is the transcript of that incident:

10:53 am
OU ALERT: Armed man has been spotted near campus Taco Bell ®.  Find shelter immediately.  Campus police arriving at scene.

10:58 am
OU ALERT: Police are actively searching for a male in his early 20s.  Wearing a black trenchcoat, camouflage cargo shorts, and indigo crocs.  Suspect is armed.  Also may be carrying Taco Bell’s delicious Fresco Bean Burrito ®.

11:07 am
OU ALERT: Police have located and are questioning armed suspect.  Please resume normal campus activity, including dining at our new Taco Bell, home of the Cool Ranch ® Doritos ® Locos Taco.

11:10 am
OU ALERT: Correction to earlier alert—suspect was carrying an A.M. Crunchwrap ® with Sausage, part of Taco Bell’s famous Firstmeal ® menu.  We regret the error.

11:20 am
OU ALERT: Suspect lecturing police about his 2nd Amendment rights.  Hasn’t touched his A.M. Crunchwrap.

11:31 am
OU ALERT: Who is Guy Fawkes, and why does this guy keep dropping his name?

12:01 pm
OU ALERT: Suspect is still talking our ears off.  We hungry.  #CoolRanchDLT

12:17 pm
OU ALERT: Can someone call 911 to help us bail for lunch?

12:19 pm
OU ALERT: Campus police responding to assault by flavor at campus Taco Bell.  (Thanks, guys.  You rock.)

 12:34 pm
OU ALERT: Live Más!


Defenestration-John CarrollDefenestration-Nick KlingerJohn Carroll and Nick Klinger are comedy writers from Philadelphia.  They bonded over men’s blazers more than a decade ago.  John is a fiction writer and teacher, while Nick works in film production.  They are very, very poor. Find more by John and Nick over at the aptly named www.johnandnick.com.

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