Much like the speaker in Plath’s poem “Daddy,” Leia must be sorting through some daddy issues of her own. Just look at Vader’s hand clutching her shoulder as they watch Alderaan being disintegrated; and what exactly went on between Leia, Vader and that interrogation probe behind the closed blast door of her cell? Discovering that your hated captor and torturer was your father all along is the stuff confessional poetry was made for.

Well after a long hiatus, it’s nice to be back…in the Defenestration vault…strapped to this computer desk … ball and chain attached to my ankle…not allowed to leave…ever. YAY! Eileen promised me cupcakes. Anyway, it’s that dreadful time of year where we’re all expected to make due on those pesky little New Year’s resolutions.

If the title “Lizzie Borden Took an Ax” doesn’t make you question Lizzie Borden’s innocence, you’ll certainly believe she was a murderess after watching at least ten different montages of wax heads smacked open and spewing strawberry jam.

Hey there, kids. I don’t support the summoning of devils of any kind, so I don’t want you copying Winslow just so you can have your own demonic best friend. Devils are a huge responsibility, and I most of you aren’t ready for that sort of commitment. Are you going to walk your devil twice a day? Are you going to feed it souls whenever it gets hungry? Are you going to clean up after it when it goes to the bathroom on your floor, which is a worse chore than it sounds because devils pee acid and poop radioactive material? I didn’t think so. Stay away from devils, kids.

PSYCHOLOGY 1001—THE PSYCHOLOGY OF ABSOLUTELY NOTHING (4 credits)—Quite possibly the sluffiest four credits in academic history, this snoozer examines absolutely nothing, and in great detail. Most group discussion will focus on why there actually is a call for such a scholastic fiasco, other than to appease the athletic department. Grading strictly pass-fail, based entirely on attendance. Pre-requisite: PSYCHOLOGY 1000—BEGINNING CLASSROOM SLUMBER.