It’s true: 2020 Halloween will suck, and the world will be poorer for it. Luckily Winslow and Little Winslow have a plan.

I would have liked to be born a very dramatic, very unnecessarily serious human being in Victorian England, but have instead found myself in the 21st century, which is so devoid of castles through which I can run screaming and moors onto which I may throw myself as I cry. Modern America doesn’t allow for histrionics, so I have instead crafted a life for myself that is very mundane and stoic and not at all theatrical or hokey.

I just want to say that, as a person who has had numerous run-ins with vampires, “biting back” is never a good option. Vampires are totally into that kind of thing, so unless you want to start dating a vampire I suggest sticking to the tried-and-true defenses like garlic, religious icons, and Korean pop music.

Let me be the first to welcome you to Earth. And let me assure you right off the bat that I’m not too proud to beg for my life, nor to serve you in any degrading manner you see fit. I’m sure I can make myself useful to you in some small, yet indispensable way. I’m not particularly well informed or intelligent, but I like to think I have better taste and more common sense than the average citizen of our humble little planet. All of my modest abilities are at your disposal.

Winslow used to work for an ad agency a million years ago, but he must be doing some marketing on the side if this fancy dude with his fancy suit thinks Winslow’s still in business.