6:03am: In my recurring dream, I’ve been transformed from a dinner plate into a decorative plate. I’m mounted on the kitchen wall, imperiously looking down at the workaday dishware as they toil away. No one speaks to me. No one places anything upon me. Passersby admire my rendering of the Queen Mum on her 90th birthday. 

What do you mean you haven’t seen Time Sock: The Sock that Travels Through Time? Like, ever? You haven’t seen it ever? Wow, have you been missing out.

I love you, sunshine. Good morning! Thank you for being there for me every day, to wake me up and warm me and force me to buy overly specific lotions and SPF50. I love you!

On a crisp summer day, while blowing bubbles with a straw into a glass of iced watermelon juice, and feeling like a child, I was faced with an adult perplexity. 

I had to choose between two lovers.

There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says “Morning, boys. How’s the Dasani water?” And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes, “What the hell is Dasani water?”