We’ve all been there. You get up early every day, hit the trail, try to maintain the right diet, pray to the owl god Moloch for stamina in your legs, but you can’t seem to run any farther or any faster than you did yesterday! This article has some helpful tips that are guaranteed to get you running up to twelve times further than you ever have before. You can get started today!!

Good morning, everyone! Happy Friday and best wishes to all of you on this fine 20th of August! And welcome! Welcome to the latest issue of Defenestration, which, if we’ve assembled this thing correctly (and we think we have), contains the sum total of everything you have ever thought was hilarious and condensed it into an easily consumable format. (And coming soon: Defenestration, the suppository!)

I called her,

Lily on 1st April,

Julie on 15th,

Rekha on 3rd May.

She didn’t complain, yell, or punch me in the face.

The verdict on the last featured menu item had been given, (“These maple turkey necks are through the roof and out the chimney”). Moments later, as it had hundreds of thousands of times previously, the iconic ’67 Camaro convertible—driven by the show’s host Guy Fieri—sped into frame.

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