First off, the film runs three hours with dialogue in an invented language that is translated but shown in subtitles that don’t show up well against certain backgrounds. That’s half the movie. Also, special glasses must be worn. Concession stand fare, just for this feature, requires utensils but you must use your non-dominant hand to feed.

Dear Valerie,

I just received your email indicating that you are unable to “move forward” with my piece, “An Activist Prepares: The Theatrics of Social Justice in Contemporary America” which you had previously accepted for publication. I am baffled. As of May, when I first pitched the piece to you, you expressed great interest in publishing it and “couldn’t wait” to hear what I came up with as you thought “the piece is a good fit for us.” (Followed by five exclamation points.)

After careful analysis, I am able to gift you all with an assessment of your own Christmas holiday behavior based on your Meyers-Briggs personality type.

Welcome to another issue of Defenestration, and the last issue until next year. And what a year it’s been. Defenestration has been around for 12 years now, and I can honestly say that this year saw a major shift in the number and the quality of the work we’ve received. Our slush pile has never before been filled with so many experienced writers, comedians, magazine editors, actors… the list was really staggering, and on more than one occasion I felt overwhelmed by it all. Eileen and I have had the opportunity to read a lot of really good fiction, nonfiction, and poetry this year, and while not everyone made it onto the site this year, I really hope everyone comes back and tries us again. We do this because we enjoy it, and you make our self-imposed tasks a lot easier by sending us such great material.

“Hello? Hello?”

(pause)

“Hi. This is Suzy.”

“Um, yes?”

“You’re receiving this call because you’ve been recommended by a friend who hates your guts!”

“I beg your pardon?”