Have any of you ever had a gnome infestation? They’re the worst. They carve these little niches in your body and just start living there as if it were some fleshy motel. Gnomes aren’t known for their cleanliness, either, so after a week or two of living inside your body, the toilet’s backed up, the sheets are stained, and the floor is covered with fast food wrappers, newspaper clippings, and vintage porno mags. Keep in mind this is all happening inside your body.

This is completely hypothetical. It’s also an image.

My wife is a NICU nurse, meaning that even without witnessing the births of my children, I would be elbows-deep in neonatal vocabulary. Case in point: from where I’m sitting RIGHT THIS SECOND, a bookshelf filled with medical textbooks threatens to collapse on me.

Dear JANE SMITH

A message from your friends at Peapod. You may shop anytime, anywhere. Our personal shoppers are currently working to assemble your order. We greatly appreciate the trust you place in us.

Sincerely,
The Peapod Team.

It has become an unofficial Friday the 13th tradition to mangle Winslow in some way. This started last year when we had THREE Friday the 13ths running wild and unsupervised through our calendar, and coincided with the creation of Dr. Spiderqueen. This year we just have the one, giving Winslow plenty of recovery time until his next brush with death.