In March of 2013, O’Brien University in West Newbridge, NJ had its first chance to use an alert system that enabled campus police officers to notify students of emergency situations via text message. Here is the transcript of that incident:

10:53 am
OU ALERT: Armed man has been spotted near campus Taco Bell ®. Find shelter immediately. Campus police arriving at scene.

Aspara Gus, the walking, talking, disturbingly human-looking and distinctly male salad, was never meant to live more than a week. This is probably for the best. Without constant watering and/or refrigeration, Gus was doomed to wither and die like the vegetables my wife accidentally stores in that one drawer in the refrigerator that doesn’t quite work like the vegetable crisper it was advertised to be. So I suppose this fate is better. More humane. Or whatever. Not really.

In the current economy, many have found it necessary to downsize their living situations. Gone are the days of the ten-thousand-square-foot McMansions. Now people build tiny houses, and try to squeeze all of their belongings into cramped studio apartments.

Daniel Cooper of Miami, Florida recognized this trend early and found a way to take advantage of it. “My buddy Tony was recently down on his luck,” Cooper explains, “He lost his job, his wife, and his house all in the space of a month. Things were getting really rough for him and I couldn’t just stand by and watch without offering to help.”