Posts Tagged ‘ Fake Nonfiction ’

“On Picking My Chow Name,” by Matt Kolbet

Dec 6th, 2017 | By

Dear Mr. Loaf,

Can I call you Meat? I’m writing because we share an affinity for renaming ourselves as grub. You were once Marvin and became so much more. Likewise, I want the culinary glory of nomenclature from foodstuffs.



“Scuffle At Brooklyn Cafe as Customers Declare ‘No Coffee, No Peace,'” by Gilbert Prowler

Nov 29th, 2017 | By

A melee broke out early this morning at a coffee shop in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn between those waiting in line to order their tall, grandes and ventis and the steady stream of customers who ordered online and sauntered past them to grab their waiting drinks.



“Ishmael is Ahab, You Firkin Ash-holes,” by Brian Borrough

Nov 15th, 2017 | By

Item 151. Perhaps the most important literary correspondence we’ve ever offered: an unrecorded handwritten letter from Herman Melville to G.P. (George) Putnam, publisher of Melville’s first novel (Typee) and several of his short stories. This letter doesn’t appear in The New Melville Log or Correspondence, but its provenance is an unbroken chain, and the handwriting unquestioned. All pages have minor foxing; a few unobtrusive tears on page two; one coffee-ring stain on page one partially obscuring the date; several large (including one full-page) blue-pencil question marks scattered throughout. Important, compelling, and rare.



“Sensible Plans for the Use of Poets,” by Robert Buswell

Oct 25th, 2017 | By

There can be little doubt that poets do not contribute greatly to society. Their work, produced in vast abundance, is nearly valueless to our species. Indeed, the great bulk of their efforts are simply given away; the poems cannot be sold. Yet, I believe that poets are capable of contributing meaningfully to the human endeavor and I propose the following ways in which we may put poets to use.



“Hatred for Beginners,” by Mike Fowler

Oct 18th, 2017 | By

Those who have never hated anyone, for example children under ten years old or saints, often don’t know how to show hatred for deserving hateful people, or even what that feeling is like. By rights they should hate quite a few people, as we all should, and yet they are blocked. At most they feel a vague dismay and insecurity in the presence of repulsive others, or become queasy at the thought that so many folks out there are obnoxious jerks, but they can’t summon the proper attitudes of derision and disdain that all these unmitigated asses so richly deserve. Yet by following a few simple rules they can break through this barrier of reticence and let their justified hatred pour forth.



“Warts,” by Alexei Kalinchuk

Oct 11th, 2017 | By

Grant Sims revolutionized technology. His early death saddened us, but we shouldn’t ever forget that he put all of himself into the products we enjoy today. Now, not forgetting this, we should also know he was human. So let’s allow the man a flaw or two without losing sight of what he meant to us.



“This Is Your Special Day,” by Zach Lisabeth

Oct 4th, 2017 | By

Congratulations! You finally made it. I know the appeals process can be a nightmare—all those ups and downs. Will they, won’t they, will they, won’t they. Turns out: they won’t. Your patience is appreciated. No more waiting, now. Good things are coming to you. We’ve made a lot of changes around here lately, and I think you’re going to like what we’ve done with the place.



“Notes Regarding Becca and Peter’s Wedding Registry,” by Lareign Ward

Sep 27th, 2017 | By

Turkish Cotton Towel Set, 6 Piece, $150

These are very nice towels, but I just don’t know why they need two sets of them. One for bathing, and one for banging? But these are too pricey for that. Sophomore year, she was hooking up a lot and had a towel – I think it was purple, at least originally – that she called “the splooge towel.” She always washed separately. I kept asking her, “Why do we need a towel? What’s coming out of there, exactly?” She wouldn’t answer me. But when the time came, I was so worried that I used two towels. Then I texted her afterward, and she told me she was proud of me, and I was so giddy that I didn’t ask if she meant the towels or the sex-having.



“New listings on RentMyCar.com!” by Vijay Ilankamban

Sep 13th, 2017 | By

Nissan GT-R (2014)

Looking for renters! For only $35 a day, you can rent out my beautiful 4-seat Nissan GT-R. This impressive luxury car is safe to drive, excellent on gas, and with less than 40,000 miles on it, has still managed to hit & kill 454 deer. If you’re looking for some peace and quiet, this is definitely the car for you. The Nissan GT-R is a very quiet drive, so you’ll barely hear any noise when you slam into deer after deer on your drive to the grocery store, to the laundry pickup, or to the end of your driveway and back. The Nissan GT-R also comes with a powerful sunroof, Bluetooth connectivity and a first-class navigation system, in case you’re trying to track down and wipe out an entire family of deer that are on the run from you. Contact me to rent out this beautiful car!



“Letter to the Editor: An Impassioned Plea for Assistance in Locating My Supermarket Soul Mate,” by Brent Hearn

Sep 6th, 2017 | By

Dear Editor,

This is the first time I’ve ever written a “letter to the editor.” Though I must confess I’m not a subscriber to your newspaper, I have been known to peruse its contents at the library. I am a big fan of the in-depth coverage you provide of the Saturday night races at our local “speedway.” And ever since my social media accounts were suspended (for various unfounded reasons too trivial to mention), your “police blotter” provides a means for me to keep up with the various goings-on of my friends, coworkers, and former classmates.