Posts Tagged ‘ Fake Nonfiction ’

“Hatred for Beginners,” by Mike Fowler

Oct 18th, 2017 | By

Those who have never hated anyone, for example children under ten years old or saints, often don’t know how to show hatred for deserving hateful people, or even what that feeling is like. By rights they should hate quite a few people, as we all should, and yet they are blocked. At most they feel a vague dismay and insecurity in the presence of repulsive others, or become queasy at the thought that so many folks out there are obnoxious jerks, but they can’t summon the proper attitudes of derision and disdain that all these unmitigated asses so richly deserve. Yet by following a few simple rules they can break through this barrier of reticence and let their justified hatred pour forth.



“Warts,” by Alexei Kalinchuk

Oct 11th, 2017 | By

Grant Sims revolutionized technology. His early death saddened us, but we shouldn’t ever forget that he put all of himself into the products we enjoy today. Now, not forgetting this, we should also know he was human. So let’s allow the man a flaw or two without losing sight of what he meant to us.



“This Is Your Special Day,” by Zach Lisabeth

Oct 4th, 2017 | By

Congratulations! You finally made it. I know the appeals process can be a nightmare—all those ups and downs. Will they, won’t they, will they, won’t they. Turns out: they won’t. Your patience is appreciated. No more waiting, now. Good things are coming to you. We’ve made a lot of changes around here lately, and I think you’re going to like what we’ve done with the place.



“Notes Regarding Becca and Peter’s Wedding Registry,” by Lareign Ward

Sep 27th, 2017 | By

Turkish Cotton Towel Set, 6 Piece, $150

These are very nice towels, but I just don’t know why they need two sets of them. One for bathing, and one for banging? But these are too pricey for that. Sophomore year, she was hooking up a lot and had a towel – I think it was purple, at least originally – that she called “the splooge towel.” She always washed separately. I kept asking her, “Why do we need a towel? What’s coming out of there, exactly?” She wouldn’t answer me. But when the time came, I was so worried that I used two towels. Then I texted her afterward, and she told me she was proud of me, and I was so giddy that I didn’t ask if she meant the towels or the sex-having.



“New listings on RentMyCar.com!” by Vijay Ilankamban

Sep 13th, 2017 | By

Nissan GT-R (2014)

Looking for renters! For only $35 a day, you can rent out my beautiful 4-seat Nissan GT-R. This impressive luxury car is safe to drive, excellent on gas, and with less than 40,000 miles on it, has still managed to hit & kill 454 deer. If you’re looking for some peace and quiet, this is definitely the car for you. The Nissan GT-R is a very quiet drive, so you’ll barely hear any noise when you slam into deer after deer on your drive to the grocery store, to the laundry pickup, or to the end of your driveway and back. The Nissan GT-R also comes with a powerful sunroof, Bluetooth connectivity and a first-class navigation system, in case you’re trying to track down and wipe out an entire family of deer that are on the run from you. Contact me to rent out this beautiful car!



“Letter to the Editor: An Impassioned Plea for Assistance in Locating My Supermarket Soul Mate,” by Brent Hearn

Sep 6th, 2017 | By

Dear Editor,

This is the first time I’ve ever written a “letter to the editor.” Though I must confess I’m not a subscriber to your newspaper, I have been known to peruse its contents at the library. I am a big fan of the in-depth coverage you provide of the Saturday night races at our local “speedway.” And ever since my social media accounts were suspended (for various unfounded reasons too trivial to mention), your “police blotter” provides a means for me to keep up with the various goings-on of my friends, coworkers, and former classmates.



“This Emergency Spill Response Will Officially Kick-Off Once Domino’s Delivers Those 746 Party Pizzas,” by Jack Caseros

Aug 30th, 2017 | By

Can I get everyone’s attention?

My name is Terry Clemette, and I am your Operations Sections Chief. It’s a big group, please get in close. Closer, please. We have a lot of material to cover.



“The Insurance Pill,” by D. B. Silly

Aug 16th, 2017 | By

Two things we have in abundance

Medications and Lawsuits

Imagine a pill that gives you coverage for life, home, auto, and health. You take this pill and that’s it. You’re covered.



“Evidence That Our Timeline Has Been Tampered With,” by Lee Blevins

Aug 9th, 2017 | By

An early homo sapien sapiens skeleton was found in a cave in Luxembourg clutching a small rectangular device with a smooth dark screen. It was wrapped, quite literally, in the skin of an otter.

An ancient Egyptian mummified in one of the more modest pyramids was dissected by the British Museum in 1924. The mummy had a tattoo of a butterfly on her lower back.



“A Message to New Employees of the Carter Pool Cleaning Company,” by Bryan Erwin

Aug 2nd, 2017 | By

Congratulations on your new job with the Carter Pool Cleaning Company. We take pride in two things here at Carter: extraordinarily clean pools and no sex with our customers. This is a guarantee and it’s one we take very seriously. It’s what differentiates us from our competitors.