It was my sophomore year at college, and while my fellow classmates were busy studying for finals, I was training for our local taqueria’s first hot-pepper–eating contest, knocking back as many habanero peppers as I could before passing out. I didn’t have any career plans then and must’ve changed my major at least a dozen times, but the idea of becoming a hot-pepper–eating champion put a fire under my ass, the likes of which I would never experience again. Rather than concocting some elaborate story as to why I was pacing our dorm at midnight while completely sober, I decided to confess my aspirations of becoming Boston’s first hot-pepper–eating champion.

Just last week, my health care company put me on hold and switched on its automatic music long enough for me to hear “Parsifal” in its entirety, something I have never accomplished at an opera house. And opera is only a small part of my health company’s repertoire. Where else could one hear the entire oeuvre of the Captain and Tenille before being told that a representative would be available shortly and being switched to Chris Bottie and Diana Krall? It is like to listening to a college radio station or WBAI without the politics.

I like jogging even though it hurts my ass.

I jog alone. Always have done. Always will. I have no desire to join those run club cults. The ones that require $500 bowel movement tracking GPS watches, taut and tanned legs, spongy art gallerist trainers, banal flirtation between lonely souls, post-run oat flat whites, and sex-freak vests.

Of the top ten things I wanted in a new house, a pond was not one of them. When we decided to move to our present house, the pond we inherited was a murky-algae-puddle that I envisioned as a future patio. As we began tackling projects, we moved the pond work to the bottom of the priority list, seeking a way to keep it going temporarily until I could hire a bulldozer to fill it in with dirt.

ANNA sits at the defendant’s table looking around uncertainly, wearing only her pajama shorts and her boyfriend’s t-shirt.

PROSECUTOR walks across the room, dropping off a paper at the JUDGE’S STAND. She looks similar to Anna except her hair is neatly brushed and she is wearing a professional suit.

THE STENOGRAPHER sits on the other side of the room across from the jury. She looks nearly identical to ANNA, wearing glasses and a skirt.