Pro: They have mastered the art of shining in the dark.
Con: They can’t be bothered to shine in the daytime unless you’re really close to one.

Pro: They sit around all day cooking up elements that could come in handy for planets, alpacas and people.
Con: They also produce black holes that can stretch you like spaghetti before eating you.

Pro: They’re inspirational when seen en masse.
Con: They’re poorly arranged in the sky, as if they’re completely random. 

Pro: They’re able to collect the wishes of every human being who ever lived.
Con: Their track record for granting those wishes isn’t great. 

Pro: They’re useful guides for when you’re trying to reach lofty goals.
Con: It’s unclear how having such ridiculously long arms will benefit you. 

Pro: There are a lot of them, so if you don’t like one, you have many others to choose from.
Con: There are also a lot of mosquitoes, ants, and grains of sand, and what have they done for you lately? 

Pro: They shine whether you look at them or not.
Con: They can’t handle even the thinnest clouds. 

Pro: If you’re into the whole “size matters” thing, they’re bigger than people, or alpacas, or even planets.
Con: But smaller than galaxies. They’re not even astronomically large.  

Pro: They pulsate, like the human heart.
Con: Their horoscopes are unreliable. 

Pro: They have cool names, like Alpha Centauri, Betelgeuse, and, wait for it, Zubenelgenubi (“Zoo-ben-ell-jen-oo-bee”).
Con: When it comes down to it, they are not cool. 

Pro: They’re great for providing perspective during existential crises.
Con: They’re not funny. 

Pro: They are funny, if you look at them right.
Con: Except for Sirius. I mean, seriously. 

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Daniel Hudon is an unapologetic Canadian who spends his days educating a subset of the masses and his nights wondering why moonlight is so darn enchanting. He is the author of the comedic book, The Bluffer’s Guide to the Cosmos and the non-comedic Brief Eulogies for Lost Animals: An Extinction Reader, named a Must Read in the 2019 Mass Book Awards. He hangs out at danielhudon.com and @daniel_hudon.