To Mr. Timmy Smothers,

Since 2000 Grandpaternal Incorporated (G.I.) has dedicated itself to ensuring that you receive the highest quality Grandparents. We consider our Grandparents the best money can buy in performance and longevity.

Having said this, it pained us to hear of your complaint that your 2005 Grandfather unit, make: 72-year-old male and model: Caucasian retired Toll Booth Operator, were not lucid and using curse words with guests. It is also upsetting to hear your Grandfather was urinating in the flower bushes, walking around the house nude and attempting to strike members of your family with a broken table leg. This is uncalled for and we sincerely apologize for this inconvenience. A G.I. crew will be sent to your home as soon as possible to remove your faulty grandparents and replace them with new ones.

Sincerely,

Arnold Johnson

Grandpaternal Incorporated Marketing Director

Hello, my name is Nick Hilbourn and I’m a professional English major. I would like to move away from the humor column format to talk about an important social topic: stabbing.

Common decency does not stop at the dinner table. Even as we speak, people are being stabbed without so much as an ‘excuse me’ or ‘hello, how are you?’ It is the downfall of society when something as small as a simple stab cannot be done without a bit cordiality.

Since my days as a teacher in South Korea, I have been intrigued by ESL (English as a Second Language) instruction. After receiving further certification in the area, it occurred to me that there was one important sector of life which English had failed to conquer: birds.