To Mr. Timmy Smothers,
Since 2000 Grandpaternal Incorporated (G.I.) has dedicated itself to ensuring that you receive the highest quality Grandparents. We consider our Grandparents the best money can buy in performance and longevity.
Having said this, it pained us to hear of your complaint that your 2005 Grandfather unit, make: 72-year-old male and model: Caucasian retired Toll Booth Operator, were not lucid and using curse words with guests. It is also upsetting to hear your Grandfather was urinating in the flower bushes, walking around the house nude and attempting to strike members of your family with a broken table leg. This is uncalled for and we sincerely apologize for this inconvenience. A G.I. crew will be sent to your home as soon as possible to remove your faulty grandparents and replace them with new ones.
Sincerely,
Arnold Johnson
Grandpaternal Incorporated Marketing Director
To Ms. Sally Jenkins,
Since 2000 Grandpaternal Incorporated (G.I.) has dedicated itself to ensuring that you receive the highest quality Grandparents, we consider our Grandparents the best money can buy in performance and longevity.
I am sorry to hear of your complaint concerning the longevity of your 2005 Grandmother unit; however, I must inform you that care of your Grandparents is essential to their performance as it states clearly in the G.I. Instruction Manual on page 2. Leaving your Grandparents exposed to sub-zero temperatures (such as was done when you forgot your Grandmother in the snow) will inevitably lead to undesirable consequences. We can provide you with a Grandmother complementary to your 2005 Grandmother, make: 85-year-old and model: Caucasian/Hispanic Ceramic Angel Enthusiast, but our warranty does not cover negligence. For confirmation of this, you should read the Terms of Warranty on the last page of the G.I. Instruction Manual.
Sincerely,
Arnold Johnson
Grandpaternal Incorporated Marketing Director
To Mr. Mihoko Maruyama,
Konichiwa, sir!
Since 2000 Grandpaternal Incorporated (G.I.) has dedicated itself to ensuring that you receive the highest quality Grandparents that money. We consider our Grandparents the best money can buy in performance and longevity.
Our company policy is to equally serve all individuals desiring to purchase quality Grandparents; regardless of race, ethnicity or religious background. This is why it deeply pained me to here that such a dreadful mistake was made in our shipping department. In looking at your order form, I see you were supposed to receive a 2005 Grandfather, model: 72-year-old male and make: Japanese retired businessman. A mistake in our shipping department caused a 2005 Grandfather, model: 72-year-old male and make: Caucasian World War II prisoner of war in the South Pacific to be sent to you.
I deeply apologize for the emotional distress endured by you and your family as a result of this faulty model. You should know that our 2005 line of Grandparents were not designed with racist programming or vocabulary. A G.I. crew has been sent to immediately pick up the faulty model and replace it with the one you ordered.
I apologize again for this horrendous error. A $200 gift certificate good toward anything in the G.I. catalog has been included with this message.
Sincerely,
Arnold Johnson
Grandpaternal Incorporated Marketing Director
To Ms. Sally Jenkins,
Grandpaternal Incorporated (G.I.) has dedicated itself to ensuring that you receive the highest quality Grandparents since its founding in 2000. We consider our Grandparents the best money can buy in performance and longevity.
This is letter is in response to a complaint regarding the performance of our 2005 line of Grandparents. The G.I. Instruction Manual lists, on page 27, the various tasks which should not be attempted with our Grandparents. As the purpose of our 2005 models is to directly reflect the “Grandparent experience”, they are modeled after actual geriatric human beings. This means that certain tasks can only be done to a certain extent or not done at all.
Your complaint of “low performance” does not surprise me. Our 2005 line of Grandparents, in concordance with our policy of providing a realistic Grandparent experience, do not come equipped to handle such physically intense tasks as water skiing, bungee jumping and paint ball. The G.I. website, listed on page 2 of the G.I. Instruction Manual, is constantly updated with tasks the new 2005 line of Grandparents can complete and cannot complete.
Because of this failure to properly care for your Grandparents, G.I. is unable to offer you a replacement or equivalent monetary refund. We hope you understand our decision in this matter. If you have any further questions, then please feel free to contact me using the information on the enclosed business card.
Sincerely,
Arnold Johnson
Grandpaternal Incorporated Marketing Director
To Mr. Allen Jenkins, President of the Geriatric Association of America,
Grandpaternal Incorporated (G.I.) has dedicated itself to the preservation of the dignity of geriatric Americans since its founding in 2000. Our products seek to maintain the enduring legacy of the wisdom and innovation brought about by Americans in their latter years. The founder of Grandpaternal Incorporated, Dr. Johnathan Slyburn Ames, stated in G.I.’s mission statement, “My hope for the future of G.I. is that it provides every American deprived of the joys and wisdom of loving Grandparents the chance to have this unique experience.” This remains the policy behind every product G.I. designs.
Having said this, I must sincerely apologize for the comments in my letter to Mrs. Jenkings regarding the limitations of geriatric Americans. Those comments were meant to reflect the performance of the G.I. 2005 line of Grandparents and not actual geriatric Americans. Please understand that I was referring to a G.I. product and not the elegant and prestigious nature of geriatric Americans. My comments do not reflect the ideology or policy of G.I. and my mistake should not be understood to stand for the policy of G.I.
With sincerest apologies,
Arnold Johnson
Grandpaternal Incoporated Marketing Director
To the Smothers Family,
Grandpaternal Incorporated has dedicated itself to ensuring that you receive the highest quality Grandparents since 2000. We consider our Grandparents the best money can buy in performance and longevity.
We extend our sincerest sympathy for the recent loss of your beloved son, Timothy; however, G.I. products are held to the highest governmental standards of safety. Our products have passed every annual safety examination since the company inception in 2000 and no model has ever acted in a violent manner in any of our rigorous test sessions. Therefore, we deny any wrongdoing on the part of G.I. All legal matters will be taken up independently of this office. A G.I. legal representative will contact you shortly.
A $200 Gift Certificate toward any product in G.I. catalog has been sent along with this letter.
Our sincerest apologies for your loss,
Arnold Johnson
Grandpaternal Incorporated Executive Director
To Mrs. Mihoko Maruyama,
Konichiwa, ma’am.
Grandpaternal Incorporated (G.I.) has dedicated itself to ensuring that you receive the highest quality Grandparents that money can buy since its founding in 2000. We consider our Grandparents the best money can buy in performance and longevity.
First, I apologize for my improper address to you in my previous letter. I was unaware that Mihoko is a female name in Japanese.
We, at G.I., are embarrassed by this grievous error in our shipping department. In reviewing your order form, it clearly states you are to receive a Grandfather from our 2005 line of Grandparents, model: 72-year-old male and make: Japanese retired businessman. It is an error on our part that your received a Grandfather from our 2004 line, model: 72-year-old male and make: Caucasian with an intense hatred of the Asian race. Please note that this make and model was one of many discontinued for our 2005 line of Grandparents.
We extend our deepest apologies to you and your extended family for the emotional distress and physical harm caused by this faulty model. We also apologize for this product being delivered during your family reunion.
A $500 Gift Certificate toward anything in the G.I. Catalog has been included with this letter.
Deepest and Sincerest Apologies,
Arnold Johnson
Grandpaternal Incorporated Marketing Director
To Ms. Sally Jenkins,
You are correct in stating that the G.I. Instruction Manual does not state that a Grandparent can not be assaulted with a blunt object. This is a problem which will be rectified in new editions of the Instruction Manual. Yet, we do implore you to review a statement made at the top of page 27 of your G.I. Instruction Manual, which states,“Our Grandparents are designed to, as closely as possible, resemble the joys as well as the limitations of actual geriatric Americans.” Obviously, you would not assault a geriatric American with a baseball bat and expect them to survive; the same holds true for our 2005 line of Grandparents.
Best,
Arnold Johnson
Grandpaternal Incorporated Marketing Director
To Mrs. Sally Jenkins,
I refuse to answer your complaints regarding immolation of our 2005 line of Grandparents. Personally, I am offended at the lack of humanity within this question.
Would you do this to your personal grandmother or grandfather?
Absolutely horrible.
Arnold Johnson
Grandpaternal Incorporated Marketing Director
To Mrs. Mihoko Maruyama,
I apologize for our shipping department’s unpardonable performance.
The 2000 line of Grandfather unit, model: 72-year-old male and make: Caucasian Ku Klux Klan member with a desire to exterminate the Japanese people was an experimental design unknown to even me. That it was sent to you in spite of your heavily documented request for a 2005 Grandfather unit, model: 72-year-old male and make: Japanese retired businessman, is a quite surprise.
I have no excuse for my company’s actions and have begun to doubt the morality of working for them.
Arnold Johnson
Grandpaternal Incorporated Marketing Director
————
Nick Hilbourn was born somewhere in South Carolina, but nobody is sure where. He is currently failing three unrelated classes at Harvard University. He has been published previously in Defenestration as well as various literary magazines and has read at such widely different venues as an open mic at the University of South Carolina and the Peace Festival sponsored by local Bahai of the southeast. He used to own his own pop culture/humor magazine entitled ERGO, but, you know, things happened. See more of him at his blog: http://