“A” is for Alcohol-Fueled Affair

“B” is for Birth

“C” is for Childhood

I get quite confused by where a comma goes. Does it go here, or there, does it connect an independent clause after or before a conjunction? Does it depend on the conjunction’s politics, smoking habits, or sexual preference? If the conjunction has a history of spousal abuse can it really be trusted with the custody of a dependent clause, and does it deserve the use of a comma? After all, a comma is a privilege, not a right.

I die at seventeen, because I’m currently twenty-one, so dying at seventeen would make me either invincible or the proud owner of a time machine. I’ll go with the latter.

I buy my time machine at forty-four, because you could call predicting a type of four-shadowing. Since I’m smart enough to make that clever little play on words, I’m smart enough to know I won’t be inventing a time machine any time soon.

IF ( stomach = empty )

THEN ( run action: cry )

IF ( stomach = full )

THEN ( run action: poop )

This is completely hypothetical. It’s also an image.