“31 Self-Help Books for Niche Markets,” by Erik Cofer and Clay Watts

Mar 12th, 2014 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Find Your Inner Hate (And Other Great Ways to Become a More Empowered Bigot)

Getting Out of the Seedy World of Guerrilla Knitting

Help! I’m Up and I Can’t Fall Down: Teaching Yourself the Fine Art of Falling in Order to Guilt Your Over-Privileged Adult Children Into Paying More Attention to You Despite Having Their Own Busy Lives

My Mom is So Ugly…Embracing Jokes Told at Your Mother’s Expense to Deter Your Friends Who Find Her Sexually Attractive

Browsing Pinterest Covertly: Keeping One Step Ahead of the NSA as They Attempt to Track Your Pinboard

Underworked and Overpaid: How to Ask Your Boss for a Pay Decrease AND GET IT

Preparing for the End: A 15-Step Plan for Faking Your Own Death and Robbing Your Loved Ones of the Life Insurance Money – You Earned it, After All

How to Convince Your Children to Eat Your Regurgitated Food: A Human’s Guide to Becoming More Bird-Like

Sans Shark Pits: Constructing an Underground Maze That’s Challenging but Fair

These Colors Don’t Run: Makeup Tips for Sad Clowns

But If I Killed Her, Where’s the Body? A Guide to Taunting Law Enforcement ‘Til the Bitter End

Cheese Hoarding: Stop It.

Hearing (The) Crickets: An Idiot’s Guide to Dressing up as a Flaming Airplane at a Buddy Holly Cosplay Expo

Why Are My Sleeves So Denim? Learn to Put Your Pants on Your Legs and Not Your Torso

Big Scholars Don’t Cry, Vol. IV: Preventing Your Second Attempt at a Dissertation Defense from Being Derailed By Fits of Tears

Blackmailing a Philandering Production Company Executive into Optioning Your Romantic Slasher Screenplay

My Fellow Americamigos: Moving on from Your Failed Bid for Congressional District 15 in Texas on the Platform That All Americans Should Be Forced to Harbor Mexican Drug Cartel Members During Times of Political Upheaval

How To Convince Your Lover That You’re Not Snitching to the Feds

How to Deal With the Guilt that Naturally Follows the Decision to Turn Your Lover into the Feds in Exchange for a Reduced Sentence

Bigfoot, Chupacabras, and God: Being a Better Pastor at the Church of Cryptozoology

Coping With the Reality That Close Family Members Have Created a Website in Which They Openly Mock Your Every Decision Using Skillful Stop Motion Animation

Self-Hell 101: Understanding Typos and How to Quit Hating Yourself for Making Them

Why Aren’t My Gills Working? You’re No Longer Part Fish – And That’s OK

Big Scholars Don’t Cry, Vol. XI: Converting Your Rejected Doctoral Dissertation into a Sustainable Food Source

Everyone You Know Is In On It: Slaying the Marshmallow Man and Rescuing Scarlett Johansson from the Death Commander’s Secret Killing Room Hidden Beneath the Dunkin’ Donuts

The Glove, the Shoe and the One with All the Mexicans: Becoming an Effective 5th Grade American Maps Teacher Despite Your Highest Level of Education Being 4th Grade Homeschooling Taught By Your Racist Parents

Who Stole All the Gloves and Shoes? You Know Who: Finding Out That 5th Grade American Maps Isn’t a Real Class and the Only Ones You Know to Blame Are the Mexicans

Surgically Removing That Facial Tattoo of Two Unicorns Making Sweet, Sweet Love and Re-Establishing Some Sense of a Normal Human Existence

How to Transform Yourself into a Cash Cow by Successfully Convincing the David Lynch Online Fan Club That You Played the Baby in Eraserhead

You Placed a Six-Figure Bet With a New Jersey Mob Enforcer On the Steelers to Cover A Five-Point Spread, And Everything Seemed Fine Until the Last Play of the Game When The Opposition Scored That Otherwise Meaningless Touchdown: Learning How to Be Murdered With Dignity

You Really Screwed Things Up, Didn’t You, Brenda?


Defenestration-Erik Cofer 2Erik Cofer lives in Atlanta with his dog, who does no tricks. But that’s okay. He’s still a good dog…most of the time. Occasionally he gets worked up into a frenzy and it can really be quite terrifying to watch, but none of us are perfect.



Defenestration-Clay WattsClay Watts does not care for biographies. He doesn’t care for them at all. Not one bit.

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