Act 1

A square in Seville. On the right, a tofu factory. On the left, a guardhouse.

A group of soldiers relax in the square, waiting for the changing of the guard and commenting on the passers-by (“Sur la place, chacun passe” “That One is Definitely Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell). Micaëla appears, seeking José. Moralès invites her to wait with them. She declines, saying she will return. José arrives with the new guard, followed by a crowd of D.A.R.E tee shirt wearing youths. As the factory bell rings, the tofu girls emerge and exchange age-appropriate banter with young men in the crowd (“La cloche a sonné” “Come Hither, You Lactose-Intolerant Boys”). Carmen enters and sings on the untameable nature of love (“L’amour est un oiseau rebelle” “No Birds Were Harmed in the Singing of This Aria”). The men plead with her to choose one of them for a committed, monogamous relationship, and she throws a flower to Don José.

The recent increase in smartphone usage and the upsurge in the popularity of ebooks and the many forums dedicated to discussing and enjoying books and literature have contributed to the growing concern about reading. Studies by many medical professionals have linked reading to many dangerous activities such as temporarily ignoring reality, using imagination, calling attention to real-world issues, becoming attached to characters, creating theories and critically analyzing stories, and using already generated work to inspire so-called “fan-work” to express appreciation.

Sprightly: Good afternoon, this is Robin from XYZ Insurance. I’m sorry I’ve missed you. Interested in saving some of that hard-earned cash? Well XYZ can help. Give me a moment to explain.

In a hushed whisper: I’m supposed to be asking you to agree to a competitive insurance quote but I’m just so burned out on this job I can’t even go through the spiel. I mean really, WHO CARES? Insurance companies are such self -serving rip-off artists. And my boss is an obese cootie who drops everything to watch me make coffee. Gives me the creeps. If he makes one more joke about insuring my body parts, I swear I’ll call the Better Business Bureau. Freak.

Dear Friend,

Let me first thank you for coming to my party. We don’t hang out enough, and we should. Sadly, as you may already know, when I get drunk, things that may seem amusing to me at the time reveal themselves, upon sober reflection, to have been in poor taste. With that in mind, and for expediency’s sake, please, fill out and present to yourself this abject apology with my deepest regrets. I look forward to putting this unfortunate business behind us.

Capricorn Dec. 22—Jan. 19

Next week you’ll meet the man of your dreams at the deli counter in the supermarket. He’ll be wearing a white uniform and a papier-mâché hat and he will ask you if you want your bologna sliced thin. Smile demurely and ask him what he would recommend to people who like average-sized sandwiches. If he says, “I don’t give advice on matters like that, I just cut the meat the way the customer tells me to” he’s the wrong fellow. It’s the chap next to him who’s the man of your dreams.