“List of things to randomly write on documents to get you fired, but not right away, from your legal document scanning job,” by Timothy DeLizza

Aug 31st, 2016 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

List of things to randomly write on documents to get you fired, but not right away, from your legal document scanning job

  • “Important section” surrounded by little hearts and stars.
    • Approximate time to discovery: Never.
    • Chance of termination upon discovery: High
  • “Tommy suggested we res ipsa loquitur this section up.”
    • Approximate time to discovery: Never, probably.
    • Chance of termination upon discovery:  High
  • “Implied reverse negative reciprocal servitudes issues?  Do much research.”
    • Approximate time to discovery: Not until they realize that’s a real estate thing and so couldn’t possibly apply to this case, could it?
    • Chance of termination upon discovery: Depends on whether they decide the research was helpful.
  • Redactions
    • Approximate time to discovery: Six to eight monthsMaybe never.
    • Chance of termination upon discovery: Look, I’m going to square with you, pretty much all these are going to get you fired but, hey, you were only hired as a long-term temp, so they were going to find a reason to let you go at some point anyway so they didn’t have to give you health insurance as a full time employee.
  • Pronoun/ adverb redactions only.
    • Approximate time to discovery: Six to eight monthsMaybe never.
    • Chance of termination upon discovery: Hopefully.  
  • “Maybe if we hadn’t done those illegal things, this wouldn’t be happening.”
    • Approximate time to discovery: Six to eight days.  Maybe less.
    • Chance of termination upon discovery: Yes.  Jail time, even, if the judge has no sense of humor
  • Penises. Penises everywhere.
    • Approximate time to discovery: Pretty much simultaneously.
    • Chance of termination upon discovery: They’ll totally give you a pass and tell you to add boobs to all the O’s. Penises are hilarious.

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Defenestration-Timothy DeLizzaTimothy DeLizza was raised in Brooklyn, New York. He currently lives in Washington, DC, where he works as an energy attorney for the government. He most recently appeared in Ricepaper Magazine and Bartleby Snopes in July 2016. His complete publication history may be found here: http://www.timothy-delizza.com/list-of-works/

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