Internal TSA Memo

To All TSA Agents:

In the wake of recent airport security lapses, the TSA has devoted considerable time and energy to alternative screening techniques. Although the Administration’s initial planning focused on overt measures at the traditional security checkpoint – e.g., underwear checks, random full body cavity searches, etc. – further investigation has led Administration officials to believe that such efforts would not yield the desired results. Rather, our 18-month survey of airline passengers revealed that such added security would “enrage,” “annoy,” or “boil the blood of” 93.4% of the American public.

RANDY JACKSON: Yo, dog, yo. When I heard you would be singing the Godfather of Soul, I was like, What?! But “Sex Machine” is dope, y’all. If you do that song, you got to bring it, yo. And guess what? You slayed it! You got a little pitchy, especially when you started changing the words up and singing about trying to conceive a child with your wife.

Week 1 – The Matrix

One thing my EATR students have over the 19-year-olds I used to teach: attention span. I flipped the lights on after the movie and all 400 of them were alert, humming softly, their eyes glowing red with what I’m told is attention.

I began with what I thought was a softball question: “What did the robots do wrong in this film?”

“The thing is,” I said, “I’m pretty sure I’m overreacting.”

“Maybe,” said the mailman.

“No, but really,” I said. “Like, I’m almost certain that I’m overreacting.”

When the monkeys showed up at my door with a card that read, “An infinite amount of monkeys—For Dean,” my brain spun in my head like a rotisserie chicken. If there was such a thing as an infinite amount of monkeys, then every home, dance club, nursing home, pizza joint, ocean and planetoid would be filled with monkeys. In fact, logically, the monkeys should inhabit the very spot where I stood. I grabbed the card, worried that the infinite monkeys would rapidly deplete our resources and their decaying carcasses would litter our streets.