Tame BDSM toy, or Awesomely Extreme Spread?!

May 20th, 2010 | By | Category: Prose

I never intended for this to be a two-parter–but my mind has been so affected by this, I may as well have witnessed a bloody crime scene.

Only the blood has been replaced by creamy sandwich spread.

Harkening back to my last column about how commercials have infected every nook and cranny of our live as they possibly can, I discovered a particularly horrible one while eating Thai carry-out (Thai food is the new Chinese) and catching up with South Park at southparkstudios.com.

These episodes are normally sponsored with one commercial that gets rotated out every so often, but this time it was for a new awesomely extreme(!!!!) product that was so mind-fucking-blowingly extreme it needed back-road dirt-bikers, dogs in crude wooden crates, and other illicit fun that would surely get these participating partiers stuck in jail… only if the cops could catch them after a series of Dukes of Hazzard-shenanigan-filled chase scenes just to show how bad-ass it is.

EXTREMISTS

This awesomely extreme product was none other than: Miracle Whip.

Yes, nothing says extreme like mayonnaise–well not technically mayonnaise, but fauxnaise!

For those of you who don’t know, Miracle Whip is a Kraft foods product (a fine purveyor of Kraft Mac n’ Fraux-mage) that was developed as a cheaper alternative to real Mayonnaise. The difference (to my understanding) is that Miracle Whip has more sugar, possibly other additives that we pretend not to see when reading the ingredients label of some of our favorite foods, and an unfitting campaign slogan.

“We Will Not Tone It Down!”

EXTREME!!!!

Now, this isn’t some new spicy Doritos flavor like Caliente Rojo Toro, whose mere name and sight can propagate the mind with visions of frat parties gone awry–or gone awesome if you enjoy waking up from a black-out in the shower stall, wearing someone’s bra incorrectly, and watching water gush forth from the broken toilet that someone (namely you under the guise of “El BRAvo”) decided needed a good smack-down after eating too many Caliente Rojo Toro chips and Jägermeister.

But Miracle Whip? Maybe if your idea of extreme is making a bologna sandwich for your kids’ lunches before sending them out the door for public schooling to babysit them for the day. For some people this might be the highlight of their day, but worthy of a slogan that promises to keep it real–not so much. I mean the name alone doesn’t exactly instill a desire to go skydiving or bungee jumping. It does, however, sound like a weapon from some RPG…

Now this ad campaign has been around for close to a year, with the same “WTF is this?!” sentiment stated by others that I echo here. It is because they still push their product in such a manner, that I feel the need toss in my lot to harp on it some more. Maybe then they’ll get a hint, though this is doubtful because they probably can’t see past how awesomely extreme their product is. I base this doubt off of all the youtube parodies, complete with equally derisive and sometimes hilarious comments associated with them.

DUDE, IT

You’d think for a company trying to make their product hipper than it actually is in order to appeal to a younger demographic, they would have a better feel for the pulse of society. Perhaps their hands are so far up their ass, they’re feeling the wrong pulse and just don’t know it. If they did, I’d like to think these advertising offenses would be removed, much less never have been created. Instead we have parodies and snark, and a banal product that gets made into potato salad.

Frat Dude A: Dude! you made it to the party!
Frat Dude B: Yeah man, I totally brought some kick-ass potato salad!
Frat Dude A: Dude!! Is it made with Miracle Whip?
Frat Dude B: Fuck yeah man!
Sorority Chick: Oh my god I’m so drunk… do I smell Miracle Whip?
Frat Dudes A and B: SCORE! *chest bump*
Sorority Chick: *falls down face first into the potato salad*

Dear Kraft, I do believe I have written your next commercial. Don’t forget to put in a group of young people eating a sandwich while playing Rock Band and laughing in the background. You can thank me later… with money.

———-
Stephen Elkham appeared in the Defenestration office one day when Amber forgot to shut a window after closing up. In a bizarre twist of irony, Stephen actually joined Defenestration through infenestration…and a ladder. Genevieve, Andrew, Eileen, and even Ben Franklin all tried to shoo him out with various methods (Ben tried logic and reason, Eileen tried magic wardings, Genevieve tried verbal lashings, and Andrew merely whacked at him with a rolled up newspaper) while Bigfoot stood back and laughed his ass off. However, Stephen barely acknowledged any of them while creepily staring at the wall and sipping coffee. Soon after, that room was converted into the “Creepy Staring Guy With Coffee” room, and was mostly used for storage. One day, while moving some old equipment back there, Haratron had serendipitously stored a typewriter in front of Stephen. It wasn’t until a few days later that Eileen noticed that the “CSGWC” room was suddenly alive with the ticking of typewriter activity, and suddenly full of papers (one of them was the complete version of Hamlet all in caps, another was hundreds of pages with nothing more than “All werk n no plai, mayks Jack a LOLboi kthx,” and yet another was a scathing review on Jane Austen and how the Bronte sisters should’ve ganged up and shanked her via a time machine). It was clear the creepy guy had some sapience… plus there was now a seemingly endless source of material that could be added to the website (Jersey Devil was charged with filtering though and scanning in all the documents). Stephen is still referred to as CSGWC though…

Tags: ,

Comments are closed.