Woke up 7:33 a.m. Urinated, got the coffee maker going.

Hold it. Let me clarify—the urine didn’t get the coffee maker going. I switched the coffee maker on with my hands. After getting out of bed and before turning on the coffee maker, I urinated—in the toilet.

I stood and watched it make coffee. The coffee maker, not the toilet. That would be something, though, wouldn’t it?

Dear Agents of Al-Qaeda:

It is I, Osama bin Laden, your fearless leader—contacting you from a small den where I hide like a tiny mammal during the Cretaceous era. Praise Allah, on with the Jihad, and all that. Now, on to other matters.

Hello.

Like you, I was once an avid viewer of television and film, but due to the addition of small, loud, highly dependent mini-humans in my household, my viewing habits have changed these last few years. I may not see as much adult-oriented television these days, but I have become something of an expert in the often underappreciated field of children’s entertainment. The recent recall of Baby Einstein products prompted me to sing out in defense of an unrecognized classic in the video entertainment industry, that being Baby Einstein: World Animals.