When he met her at the marina with a single long-stemmed rose and the poem he had written just for her, she said if he didn’t stop she would have to make him marry her. And when they took her daddy’s powerboat out into Florida Bay and he told her not to worry about sharks she said fine, she trusted him. But when they snorkeled and he said that the death of the coral was caused by her father and other men like her father, they argued.

Dear New Student,

Please allow me to once again congratulate and welcome you to the Television Reality-Acting School of Hollywood. The applicant pool for the Fall 2012 semester was our largest yet. You, along with your future cohort, represent the most competitive applicants of a highly qualified and ambitious group. We at TRASH look forward to fostering the development and exploitation of your incredibly marketable skills and assets.

One of our esteemed candidates for the Presidency made the news recently for a comment which seemed to elicit quite a few giggles from all but the most ardent of supporters. I giggled too. Of course, I’m just embarrassingly immature, so my laughter didn’t surprise me. For all I know, I might have been thinking about something completely different at the time. What are some really good reasons for sticking string cheese in light sockets? Why do people keep telling me to try it because, oh boy, you’ll be so glad you did!

That probably was not what I was thinking, because I’m thinking about it now, and it’s obviously a ridiculous idea. Reading by cheese light makes you hungry, and nobody can eat that many crackers.

Thank You in Response to Condolences Offered

Dear Purveyor of Condolences,

Thank you for your gesture of condolence. I’m sure your heart was in the right place and if you think you did enough, I guess that’s all that matters.

Thanks again,

Mourner

In the award-winning tradition of million-selling author Frank T. Snotte’s self-help guides, Winning with Snotte ™, Dr. Snotte and his team of in-demand motivational authors are proud to add five new titles to the Snotte catalogue, beginning with “Hum and Shrug for Success.” Our interviews with 150 fascinating people who have become successful and important

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