“This I Really Believe,” by Steve Wilson

May 9th, 2012 | By | Category: Nonfiction, Prose

I believe that sunshine is good in small doses, but that an afternoon spent lying in the sun in Cabo San Lucas will probably result in a nasty sunburn; I believe that dogs smell bad and that cats smell good, despite their refusal to obey my commands. I believe that hard work is overrated, that too much of anything probably is, and that even my four year-old could do that.

I believe that the criss-crossing telephone wires above my sidewalk might spell out enigmatic messages if I could just figure out the right angle to look at them.

I believe that fishing is not only dull, but that fish probably don’t like it very much. I believe in going to movies on hot summer days and in sneaking in my own food. I believe that white sneakers are unfashionable any time of the year. I believe that fat people should pay for two airlines seats. I believe that most conversations could be improved by one of the parties not talking so much.

I believe that the grass is greener on the other side, that one should count the eggs in one’s basket, and that if I’m given a gift horse, I’m going to need a stable.

I believe that it is unlucky to walk under a ladder because something might drop on your head.

I believe that the world is going to hell, but probably not in a handbasket, since our planet is probably bigger than a handbasket, although I’m not exactly sure what one of those is. I believe that Robert DeNiro should never again try comedy, that television shows are better today than they used to be, and that Swedish massage is one of the world’s great inventions.

I believe that baseball is not only not literary, but also not interesting. And it has too many advertisements. Does each pitch need to have a sponsor? I believe that David Beckham’s presence in the U.S. will eventually make soccer a major American sport. Just kidding. Nobody really believes that.

I believe that the hair no longer on my head is growing out of my ears, that working alone is better than working with just about anybody else, and that we generally get what we deserve.

I believe in salt.

I believe that farts are funny, that babies are cute, and that duct tape has changed the world, although not necessarily for the better.

I believe that no religion is right except for my own, and that everybody who does not believe in my religion is really going to suffer someday. Just you wait. I believe that new discoveries in technology will continue to offer us more and more amazing ways to watch other people have sex. I believe that toast is better with butter, that baked potatoes are better with butter, that vegetables taste best if sautéed in butter, and that if I had to choose between all possible condiments for any given dish, I would probably go with butter.

I believe in stealing screwdrivers from Home Depot.

I believe that my kids are smarter than your kids, but will concede that my dog is probably dumber. I don’t mean dumber than your kids but dumber than your dog. My dog is pretty stupid.

I believe the world would be a better place if cats came in all the colors of the rainbow, and if they tasted like ice cream when you lick them.

I believe that somebody, somewhere, is my exact duplicate, only he has more fun.

I believe in hot baths and cold showers. I believe in flossing before bed. I believe that cutting onions makes you cry regardless of what you do to prevent it. I believe that unicorns are not real, that Bigfoot never existed, and that aliens landed in Area 51 and took over our entire planet, turning all of us into mindless conforming slaves in preparation for some diabolical alien project that probably involves organ harvesting.

Oh yes, I also believe that children are our future.


Steve Wilson once did something really cool.

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