Crossover Concepts Hollywood Can Dust Off Because of The Avengers

May 7th, 2012 | By | Category: Prose

So, super secret movie-insider know-how has it that sleeper hit The Avengers came out last week!

Since the weekend’s box office receipts indicate that it’s already made the annual GDP of several South American nations, and Disney has wasted no time announcing a Black Widow standalone, in addition to their plans for looping the upcoming Spider-Man remake, a planned Fantastic Four remake, and a new Hulk series into the Marvel Avengers canon. (As a precautionary measure, the first Hulk movie will be put into a capsule and ejected into space in the hopes that only the four people who bought the DVD will ever remember it existed.)

But why stop there?

Hollywood has just begun to tap the crossover potential of these movies, and there’s never been a better time to embrace the idea of franchise cross-pollination in ways it’s never been done!  More action and adventure than ever before! A series of one-liners that don’t even really mean anything! Stuntpeople of the earth employed for a decade! Money’s falling out of our pockets and adhering to box office windows just thinking about it!

Some additional ideas, for free:


* Raising Jane: In The Avengers, SHIELD promised Thor that Jane Foster (Natalie Portman, burning through the rest of her contractual obligations) was in a secure location. But what was she up to? This touching dramedy hopes to find out! When the scatterbrained scientist finds herself in Witness Protection along with a pre-teen boy whose SHIELD agent parents were killed, will she learn to give up that science nonsense and open her heart to love? (Motherhood love, not actual love, get your minds out of the gutter, yikes.)

* Assassin Academy 4: In this hilarious farce, audiences will see that young Clint was always a sharpshooter – of arrows, and of zingers! In a movie that will have the skilled junior assassin cross paths with fellow teenage trainees Gambit (Colin Hanks) and Black Cat (Chloe Moretz), a flippant teenage Hawkeye (Elle Fanning) will have to learn the difference between killing at the behest of the government, and killing because your roommate has taken your Pop-Tarts for the last fucking time.

* The Real Do-Gooders of Marvel County: Reed Richards and Cyclops have had enough of all this supervillainy acting out, but they know violence is never the answer. They will do whatever it takes to bring Dr. Doom and Magneto to justice, the best way they know how: tough-love therapy on a reality TV show. With Nick Fury as their no-nonsense counselor, these two desperate despots will have to take off their armor…and their armor inside. (Includes tearful reunion episode where Magneto gets a visit from Mystique, and Dr. Doom stares into the mirror whispering, “You are special, you mean something, you are special.”)

* The Evans Trap: Captain America Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) is forced to return to his icy World War II prison to find the remnants of the magical power source that were on board the craft, and that may have woken an alien deep within the earth. To facilitate the mission, Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) comes with him to melt ice and hit on ladies (various B-list actresses and/or CW series stars). At intervals, someone points out they look alike. Pause for laughter.

* Alpha Mail: Wolverine and Tony Stark are both grumpy, wisecracking loners who like to take charge. But what will happen to this crazy duo when they’re forced to work together on a cross-country road trip, following case of mail fraud that threatens the infrastructure of nonprofit second-class mass mailings all across America? This insufferably smug rich guy and this insufferably gruff supersoldier are in for a wild ride full of misunderstandings, bonding rituals, and paper cuts!

* Going Rogue: At a key moment in battle when two Avengers are down for the count, somebody realizes that the X-Men totally hosed them by having a mutant on staff who could absorb anybody’s powers, say, hypothetically, at a key moment in battle when two Avengers are down for the count. They send elaborate corporate gift baskets to Rogue for two hours.

* The Assemblers: In this unofficial prequel to the blockbuster motion picture, Maria Hill and Agent Coulson spend two hours in a room filling out expense reports for Nick Fury’s travel bills, and administrative paperwork for current and potential Avengers. Adventure ensues when they have to decide where Thor’s passport should be issued from, since he’s a Norse god but Maria Hill knows someone in Iceland’s immigration office.

* Venomous: The Avengers’ evil-battling group schedule takes a hairpin turn when they come up against the dangerous Venom, and Bruce’s arachnophobia is revealed, rendering them useless. In order to avert disaster, they’ll have to recruit The Amazing Spider-Man, and probably also Sue Storm since there’s a crossover quote and she’s invisible and we can make her not afraid of spiders (if Jessica Alba isn’t pregnant).

* The Incredible Hulks: Eric Bana, Edward Norton, and Mark Ruffalo go into a room to determine who has the right to be the best Hulk. That room is an auditorium where they sit quietly as a film professor gives a presentation on comic-book icons as a springboard for comparative criticism. At the end, she gives her determination as to the best man for the job; that decision having been made, all three applaud politely and depart.

* [Norse Word for Fanservice]: Loki spends two hours walking and giving side-eye to things in slow motion. (Appropriate all-slow-mo cameras being developed. Anticipated release date: 2014.)


Good luck, Hollywood! The fans be watching, from the theatres and also probably once or twice from outside your house with signs.


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