I want to talk about hunger.

There’s an old saying that you may have heard. Too often we miss the forest for the trees. Because: there are too many goddamn trees. So many trees, way too many trees. That’s why the humane thing to do is to allow hunters to periodically and metaphorically “prune” them, because sometimes—maybe even most of the time—the only way to save something is to kill it.

Dan is my best friend but sometimes I catch him picking his nose and flicking his boogers at my windshield.

“Stop doing that. I can see you.”

“I didn’t—“

“I saw you!”

But now he’s depressed so when I catch him I don’t make fun of him for it as much.

Much like the speaker in Plath’s poem “Daddy,” Leia must be sorting through some daddy issues of her own. Just look at Vader’s hand clutching her shoulder as they watch Alderaan being disintegrated; and what exactly went on between Leia, Vader and that interrogation probe behind the closed blast door of her cell? Discovering that your hated captor and torturer was your father all along is the stuff confessional poetry was made for.

PSYCHOLOGY 1001—THE PSYCHOLOGY OF ABSOLUTELY NOTHING (4 credits)—Quite possibly the sluffiest four credits in academic history, this snoozer examines absolutely nothing, and in great detail. Most group discussion will focus on why there actually is a call for such a scholastic fiasco, other than to appease the athletic department. Grading strictly pass-fail, based entirely on attendance. Pre-requisite: PSYCHOLOGY 1000—BEGINNING CLASSROOM SLUMBER.

“A” is for Alcohol-Fueled Affair

“B” is for Birth

“C” is for Childhood