Japanese Tentacle Robot is actually the 57th in a batch of 200 similar robots designed by the Fujiyama Autonomous Robotic Tentacle Company, which isn’t located in Japan at all, but in beautiful Vancouver, Canada. Unfortunately, due to an unforeseen computational error, all 200 of the “Tentacular Pleasure Centers” (which is what the robot was called before being marketed to the public as the “Happy Tentacle Friend”) were installed with prototype robotic brain matrices that never should have been put into production. 197 of the models were destroyed. The remaining three escaped into the real world.

Dear Uncle Jay:

My friend Irwin went to several specialists to be treated for an intermittent buzzing sound in his ears. They treated him with everything from ear drops to anti-psychotic drugs to electro-shock therapy, but it turns out Irwin just had an influx of newly-emergent cicadas under the tree in his back yard. Now that his mind has cleared a bit, Irwin did some research and says that some species of cicadas bury themselves in the ground near tree roots for years at a time. Is that true? What do they do down there?

–B.W., Racine, Wisc.

BEHOLD! The thrilling conclusion to Winslow’s adventure is upon us!

It happens quickly. One minute you’re walking along Orchard Street asking yourself who casts these so-called “models” for American Apparel because they aren’t even remotely attrac—and bam! There he is, standing on the corner of Rivington.

All prior thoughts are inconsequential as you focus on one goal: find a hiding place. With the feline grace of a snow leopard you dive towards the first thing you see, a mailbox, and send a punk kid’s bagel soaring high into the air. Now there are two problems: the mailbox only covers you from the waist down and the punk kid is causing a commotion, demanding you pay for his smoked salmon and cream cheese bagel that he had only taken ONE BITE OUT OF. The number of bites is irrelevant you say which angers him more, so you thrust ten bucks into his sweaty hand and pray that the tall profile approaching your left retina isn’t who you think it is.

Another important rule for questing is having the right tool for the right job. Winslow is obviously some sort of fighter/warrior/berserker-type so axes are clearly going to be his thing. He has dozens in his collection, but I don’t think he’s ever come upon a monster so horrible that it required him to break out… Salma.