My youngest is 4 right now and he’s convinced ghosts live in our basement. This isn’t one of those creepy instances where a kid sees a ghost that the adults can’t; he thinks ghosts look like the ones from Pac-Man and confuses them with the lights from passing cars, so I’m pretty sure I’m not dealing with a Sixth Sense deal here.

I mean, wuddaya suppose to do wid a dead cat inna city? Not like you can dig a hole in yuh backyard and berry it. I got a small apahtment, on Wess Fourf street in Brooklyn, near duh bus that takes you tuh Canahsie. I don’t go tuh Canahsie. Dat place has changed, and not for da better. I stay right heah in Gravesend where I belawng. Good place wid good people. I can get my kwaffee and my newspapuh right on duh corner for tree dollars still, like innee old days. You can’t say that for a lotta places these days. Times has changed, for sure.

It’s true: 2020 Halloween will suck, and the world will be poorer for it. Luckily Winslow and Little Winslow have a plan.

I would have liked to be born a very dramatic, very unnecessarily serious human being in Victorian England, but have instead found myself in the 21st century, which is so devoid of castles through which I can run screaming and moors onto which I may throw myself as I cry. Modern America doesn’t allow for histrionics, so I have instead crafted a life for myself that is very mundane and stoic and not at all theatrical or hokey.

I just want to say that, as a person who has had numerous run-ins with vampires, “biting back” is never a good option. Vampires are totally into that kind of thing, so unless you want to start dating a vampire I suggest sticking to the tried-and-true defenses like garlic, religious icons, and Korean pop music.