It’s easy to hate people with their stupid faces and their stupid mouths saying stupid things, but it’s very hard to hate robots. They do so much for us without complaining. They make our cars and clean our floors and babysit our children with hardly any errors at all.

I miss you, baby.

I miss the way you used to read me the morning obituaries in your best sexy voice. That always reminded me to be thankful I’m alive. I miss the way you used to coerce me to sit on the scale at the grocery store self-checkout to hear the machine voice tell me how much I’d cost if I were an artichoke. That always reminded me that my life had value.

Winslow bought a bouquet from Online Flowers Good Times Any Day Plus a year ago (it was a special $99 “super bouquet” that was meant as an apology for all the years he forgot to send flowers on Mother’s Day, which was literally all the years). Now the store won’t leave him alone, and he can’t seem to find an “unsubscribe” button on all these stupid emails he keeps getting. Will the madness ever stop?!

I want to talk a little bit about my experience with the Greg Foreman Grill.

Now, many of you fact-checking hipsters are going to call me out and say that I spelled the first name wrong, but Greg Foreman is my cousin from West Virginia and he is the inventor of The Grill.

I’ve heard there’s another big name out there cock-blocking Greg from the prime lady-action that he’d inevitably get by being the inventor of The Grill, but let me say right here and now that it was Greg Foreman all the way.