“Guerilla Grilling: How to Host a BBQ in a World on the Brink of World War 3,” by Nick Hilbourn

Jun 1st, 2016 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

[This essay paid for in part by Stansberry Research]

I want to talk a little bit about my experience with the Greg Foreman Grill.

Now, many of you fact-checking hipsters are going to call me out and say that I spelled the first name wrong, but Greg Foreman is my cousin from West Virginia and he is the inventor of The Grill.

I’ve heard there’s another big name out there cock-blocking Greg from the prime lady-action that he’d inevitably get by being the inventor of The Grill, but let me say right here and now that it was Greg Foreman all the way.

Respect to Greg

Let us just take some time to appreciate what Greg is doing.  Greg is willing to risk lawsuits and all that stuff to put the original Grill on the market.

He’s going against the big-wigs, the big money.  And, man, do I respect him.  He’s always been a sort of maverick.  I remember when we were both heavy into the Ron Paul campaign in the ‘80s.  Greg didn’t have any gold, but he knew that he’d need to bury something in the backyard, so we put a Mason jar full of quarters underneath my Aunt Flossie’s radishes.

Family lore says that Aunt Flossie complained that the government was putting nickel metal in her radishes and Greg and I always kept that a secret until now since Aunt Flossie’s been dead about fifteen years and there’s no way she can come back from the dead now that Greg and I have done special rituals advocated by Ron Paul and his advisors to prevent dead relatives from taking your gold.

For those of you worried about dead relatives reanimating and stealing your buried stuff (whether coins or animals), the 5-part series by Stansberry Research recommends important rituals saying the Declaration of Independence backward before bed and hanging garlic around the exterior of your house or apartment complex in case reanimated relatives also happen to be vampires.

Better safe than sorry.

Anyway, back to The Grill.  It speaks for itself.  I don’t need to throw too many frills and bells and whistles on it.  Greg did a hell of a job.  But, of course, to really understand that, you have to understand how meat-cooking works.  Let me explain.

Common Problems

When you’re meat-cooking, you always want a stationary location where you can survey the entire room.  Who’s behind the actual-size, nickel-plated statue of Ted Nugent that you bought at your next door neighbor’s yard sale last weekend?  You better know.  If you don’t, then don’t blame me when some government lackey in his company tie locates your quarters under the azalea bushes with his military-industrial metal detector.

Now, pay attention to the conversation of the guests.  Maybe you’ll say that your hearing isn’t that good or never was since you tried to play a practical joke on your neighbor’s dog during last year’s Fourth of July celebration.  No more firecrackers in the ears.  We understand that.  We don’t have to hear about it every year.

A common problem.

And like most common problems, Stansberry Research has an easy solution: a spy hearing-aid.  This small, insertable device goes straight into your ear and helps you hear conversations from ten to fifteen feet away.  Also, it dually functions as a police scanner/Atlanta Braves podcast receiver.  You can’t differentiate between much of the things you’ll hear, so you have to know the buzz words in order to decide whether or not to become anxious and scared.

Here are some common ones:

  • Vaccinations
  • Tax Returns
  • High-Fructose Corn Syrup

Forks OR Fork-Like Hands

The most important part of meat-cooking is preparation and that means making The Grill safe.  Now, three out of four trials have shown us that using The Grill longer than twenty minutes can be highly dangerous.  Explosions were seen nearly fifty-five miles away.  Therefore, it would be best to cook meat in the microwave before putting it on the grill.

Putting a perimeter around The Grill is essential.  Children, who may or may not belong at the barbeque, will attempt to approach you and perhaps take meat.  This is not acceptable.  Should a child approach you to take meat, Stansberry Research recommends the following actions:

  • Yell “Stand Clear!” or “Get Back!” at the child. If this does not dissuade them, then spit.
  • Once you have given the approaching child clear warning, stab your meat fork in the air. If you do not have a meat fork available, then form your hand into a fork-like shape to fool the child into thinking that you have a fork for a hand.  The child will be frightened by this.

If you’ve done the following things, then you’ll start to see the wheat separate from the chaff.  People at the BBQ will start to look at you with that old One-World-Government squint in their eyes.  This is when you start finding your friends.  How do you know who your friends are?

Look for those in the crowd who have already made their hands into fork-like shapes.  They’ll be your side-saddles.  Give them The Wink of Admonition.  They’ll form a circle around the party, ready for the attack.


But is it true that every BBQ most end in a brutal bloodbath?

The scholars at Stansberry Research indicate that the answer is yes.  But not all.  Why?  Because Greg, in his deep and intuitive wisdom, saw this as a possibility and stored each of his Grills with a reservoir of Neccos as a last ditch effort to placate uneasy mountebanks set on flooding your easy-going BBQ with vicious mind-control chemicals.

If there’s one thing those sleazy government scumbags can’t resist, it’s a potpourri of Neccos.

Jesus, I know that I couldn’t if I was one of them.

But usually you won’t have these problems.  Usually, if you’ve done your homework, every guest at your BBQ has been vetted and every child has been pacified with Mountain Dew and chained to a Nintendo GameBoy in order to keep them occupied.  Therefore, you have more time to focus on the truly amazing Grill that Greg created.

Remember: the Greg Foreman Grill isn’t like that the OTHER Grill.  You know, the one without the Stansberry Seal, the one that has a concealed video camera to spy on you while you go number one in the bathroom, the one with a Facebook page so that it can post a video to all the guys on the  men’s competitive softball team of you sitting down to pee.  (Even though it’s the MOST EFFICIENT way of peeing.)

A Bulletproof BBQ

The summer’s almost over, but we should remember to always be on alert.  Summer BBQs beget Labor Day BBQs which beget far more sparsely attended Michaelmas BBQs.  Its harvest time, too.  So, keep yourself and your family safe from dangerous chem trails spreading their mercury over your lawn to kill your dog or guinea pig (which ever you chose as a pet) with the special Greg-Net, a mesh mask that hangs over your face as you cook to avoid deadening chemical effluvium.  It’s got that Stansberry Seal so you know that it was tested by our allies at the Research Center.

(The mask is difficult to wear and interferes with normal breathing, so you should get used to it by wearing it a week in advance of the BBQ.)

So, keep it safe this summer with a Greg Forman Grill.  And remember your donation to Stansberry Research.  Not only will you receive the aforementioned 5-part series with a donation of $100 or more, but you’ll receive bullet proof straws, thermos and visors for when you head out into that warzone they call America.

You can never be too prepared.


Defenestration-Nick Hilbourn 3Nick Hilbourn now owns eleven Apple iPads.  He lives in the Lower East Side and writes haikus for Yaffa Café.  His favorite food is biscuits.

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