Wake up one morning and realize that you’ve changed. It’s not just the ravages of time and age: your cranium is now a literal beef patty, encased in a pillow of bun, slathered with onion, ketchup, special sauce. You’re not sure how or why you’ve gotten into this predicament (you almost said pickle) but you know this is something that’s not supposed to happen in life.

My phone buzzed at midnight. “We’ve got a situation,” my boss said. “Someone let the exclamation points out of their cage.”

Grandma was proud of her bruises, said she ‘won ’em square’. I should have pressed further, but she insisted that they were her stories and none of my business. Besides, I was busy burying my husband.

The balloon hovered in the living room. Its string drug along the ground, the black latex beginning to rumple around the knot. It was supposed to be funny. But the half-deflated party favor reminded Amy that she was apparently over the hill, at forty. At least, according to some people.

Citizens—or should we say, friends! Because that’s what we are, friends, all of you in your major or minor metropolitan centers that we are addressing, and we, Speed Grub Inc., makers of the best-selling A.I. Blender “The Obliterator,” and the world’s first A.I.-controlled hair dryer, “Crisp Xtreme,” are excited to bring you our latest innovation, the world’s first A.I.-powered fast food drive thru: “Beef 9000!”