Hello readers.  Anyone who knows Nick Hilbourn knows that he’s a materialist.

Not just any materialist, but a DAMNED GOOD materialist.  I don’t cut corners.  You want corners cut?  You want someone to take your corners and snip them off with a pair of left-handed scissors (YES, I AM LEFT-HANDED…GO AHEAD AND POUR OUT YOUR BUCKETS OF VITRIOL…. I AM NOT ASHAMED AND I AM NOT AFRAID).  But seriously, you want to cut my corners?

If you are reading this, chances are you are in a state of Drowning.

Now penises are fine. I’m good with penises. Let me be clear: The penis is my friend. A penis makes sense. Cylindrical, aerodynamic, smooth—clearly designed for job.  

When a hard-working humorist knuckles down to a grueling session of writing funny stuff, he is frequently confronted with a mortifying emptiness of the brain’s humor center known as “Humor Block.” God only knows how to deal with it—and these are His/Her/Its tips.

You wanted to see pictures of my infant girl swaddled in soft-focus, white blankets, right? I’ve posted my top fifty outtakes on my Facebook page. I don’t see that you gave the post a heart yet and you probably want to.