“Infant Girl Photo Shoot on Soft-focus Blanket,” by Chloe Yelena Miller

May 29th, 2019 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

You wanted to see pictures of my infant girl swaddled in soft-focus, white blankets, right? I’ve posted my top fifty outtakes on my Facebook page. I don’t see that you gave the post a heart yet and you probably want to.

Once you see the photos, you won’t forget that our baby is a girl. We stretched that purple ribbon over her head to help with that. Boys don’t wear purple, right? We’d never dress our boy like that because you might think he was a girl. (He’s not. Remember his infant pictures with a football and crisp focus blankets?)

I wonder when my baby girl will learn how to put on a bra. Then it will be even more obvious that she’s a girl. She might need a padded bra at first, but that’s a good start.

Aren’t the pictures just so real and lifelike? It is like our baby-doll is an actual person.

The photographer thought we should take off her diaper so the whole world could see her naked. So young and already a model! Don’t worry, you don’t see anything, ahem, since she’s curled up on those soft-focus, white blankets. I don’t think she could stretch out her legs even if she wanted to. We’ll get her into yoga classes soon to fix that.

She pooped all over the soft-focus, white blankets, but we just cleaned her up with the photographer’s wipes and he swapped in soft-focus, pink blankets. Because, you know, she’s a girl. Even though she’s bald. The doctor said her hair will grow in, so everyone will know she’s a girl. We won’t cut it until she’s at least five. She might need highlights then. Boys wear their hair long these days, so we want to make sure she looks different from them.

The photographer gave us a bag with all of the poopy-ed, soft-focus, white blankets. He asked us to please have them cleaned at the local, organic dry cleaners. He had such a big closet filled with soft-focus linens! We don’t mind the extra cost after he made us take off her diaper. After all, when she’s naked, it is even clearer that she’s a girl, even if you can’t really, ahem, see anything.

Those soft-focus blankets are so lovely. Do you know where I can buy them? I was wearing my glasses at Target the other day and couldn’t find the blankets. Everything looked so crisp under the florescent lights!

I love how the photographer not only photoshopped out her swollen eyes from crying before the shoot, but also that persistent baby acne and eczema. Nobody wants to remember what she really looked like, right? And that cradle cap? Ugh. Thank goodness he got that out, too. Maybe next time he can work on her nose and some of that baby fat.

I saw the pics of your infant that you took with your cell phone. Could you not afford a mall photographer? I got the girl Groupon code, although it was still costly. The boy code cost less, even though the pictures were so much bigger, like their cargo shorts. Maybe you can draw on the picture with some app to make sure we know your baby is a boy. He is, right? Or make a girly Facebook frame, if it is a girl.

Did you see the ones with her brother kissing her girl-head? Those are as sweet as cotton candy.  Sure, he tried to bite her, since I mentioned cotton candy, and left a mark on her cheek. The photographer is so good at what he does! He just turned baby’s face the other way, so no one will see the red teeth marks.

I really like the ones where she is in the wheel barrow as if she’s being brought to the farmer’s market to be sold. I know, right? So cute to see my child displayed, naked, like produce.

I’ve been thinking that we should use those photos to start her modeling career.  Don’t you think everyone will want to look at her and buy something, like soft-focus blankets? The photos were, after all, very expensive. We can probably sell them to a stock photo house. Babies are costly! When do they start earning their keep?

Maybe I can use the profits to afford a babysitter and take a nap. Ooh, or I could order some boudoir photos of me for my husband! Men like those kinds of photos of women.


Chloe Yelena Miller is a writer based in Washington, D.C. She teaches writing at the University of Maryland University College and Politics & Prose Bookstore in Washington, D.C., as well as privately. She blogs at chloeyelenamiller.com and tweets at @ChloeYMiller.


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