“Emergency Swim Lessons,” by D. B. Silly

Jun 19th, 2019 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

If you are reading this, chances are you are in a state of Drowning.

This Manual is provided to you to help you to escape the situation in the event the lifeguard is having his lunch or has had lunch and it has not yet been one hour afterward.

Simply follow the steps below and feel free to use your cell phone for tech support if you are having any difficulty understanding the manual

($3.99 for the first minute, $4.99 each additional minute)

STEP 1—Channel Your Panic

Attempt to Make Panic Moves in a Rhythmic form. You’ll find rhythm very helpful in the act of slowing down the drowning process. Keep repeating until successful. If you feel you have retarded the drowning process sufficiently, proceed to step two.

STEP 2—Conserve Your Air Supply

Air Supply is an important factor when drowning, particularly if the air in your lung sac has to compete with oncoming water. The idea is to maintain an even flow of oxygen to the brain so that “blacking out” does not occur which would impede the ability to read and follow steps 3 through 121. Always make sure to conserve air and—by all means—do not let any more air escape the lungs than you have to. Once this has been achieved, you may proceed to step three.

STEP 3—Elevate the Head

This helps with the possible inhalation of Extra Air. Try to thrash with your palms facing in a downward position as to force the body upward in which the head will elevate. This process must be done quickly as the elevation will not last for very long. It may also help as an Attention Getter. If breath intake is not possible, proceed to step four.

STEP 4—Repeat steps 1 through 3 in an orderly manner.

STEP 5—Move to step 2 and proceed backward to step 1 than to step 3 by-passing step 2.

STEP 6—Combine steps 2 through 3

Only after this is Mastered can you then progress to regress to step 1.

STEP 7—If you are still reading this, chances are you have Mastered all of the first 3 steps.

Proceed to Breaststroke Drowning

Hyperventilate for 5 minutes then Proceed

STEP 8—Breaststroke Drowning

Women- Make the best use of your breast size and “kick” with each breast alternately while maintaining Rhythmic Panicking, Air Conservation, and Head Elevation.

Men- skip to step nine

STEP 9—Butterfly

Requires the following equipment:

  • A Stick of Butter and a Speedo with a fly.
  • If skinny drowning, place hand at crotch with fingers separated to resemble an open fly.
  • (for both men and women)
  • Drowning children should not attempt this maneuver as it has been deemed indecent by the American Catholic League.
  • A Drowning Child should proceed directly to step 15 as steps 10-14 have also been deemed unsuitable for children.

STEP 10—with your drowning partner, lock arms and legs in an octopus position and spread stick of butter evenly across each other’s PAPER JAM. ERROR 507-B. REFER TO THE INSTRUCTUAL MANUAL/PRINTING MANUAL 3345.

Copyrighted by MF-ASS-Manuals For Any Stupid Situation LLC. 1800 Pennsylvania Ave. Suite 305, Washington D.C. USA
cc Motorway C7, Manchester, England U.K.
No reprints as punishable by law
This manual is for emergencies only and is not to be used as a tutorial for loading paper in any MF-ASS printing device. 


D. B. Silly is an advocate for alternative concepts and an extreme new wave, avant garde, eurotrash-like writer. He has written over 500 humor articles of various stages of completion. Sometimes he has to write his own rejection letters as his submissions are often returned unopened. His work has been seen in the online magazine Points in Case (circulation 500,000) and the non-online magazine Issues (Circulation 1). Once owned the best salami-eating dog in the world, who sadly ran away to join The Salamic State. D. B. Silly resides in the semi-fictional town of Sppa (with two P’s) City, North Carolina. He has completed a novel, Ask Dracula: a Dark Farce, which he is currently plugging to publishers.

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