Dearest Annelise–

I am truly sympathetic to your difficulties in naming your newest cookbook, and fully understand and support your desire to use a single-word title. Your previous cookbooks–Eat, Bite, Munch, and Devour–sold crisply when they came out, and have continued to do well. As your agent, however, I just don’t think that Masticate works as a title.

Press release: Jean-Michel de la Rosarie, the brilliant new nose of Parfums le Nez, has created a line of niche fragrances that accompany the chic suburban woman from alarm clock’s first buzz to final check of socials before lights out.

What happened to the music? What have we become? Johnny Logo® and the Trademarks™ used to be about car commercial guitar riffs and personal injury lawyer jingles, man. Now Johnny Logo® fears he’s the front man of a band that’s forgotten its soul, and is instead making harmonious art that expresses emotion.

Well guess what: Fuck that noise. Unless we get back to our roots, Johnny Logo® is going it alone.

Congratulations on your purchase of XR7-Series K Time Machine. You have made a wise decision guaranteed to bring your family countless hours of entertainment.

No refunds.

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