“I’ve always loved you, Jessica,” I type in the messaging app of my friend’s iPod Touch.  “I won’t let anyone get in the way of our love.” Although Jessica and I did make out once, I’m not in love with her. I’m writing to her under the clever alias “Jason Smith” because my friend, Ceci, and I are bored.

Often times, people wonder if creativity can be taught, just like any other skill.  I’m sure that this is a question you’ve regularly pondered.  The inconceivable answer is “yes.”

A snake, man, is the easiest pet in the world to take care of. It’s raw. Buy a tank, bedding, a clay pot for water, a heat lamp, and you’re live!

From the beginning, it was clear that there were more than 15 items in her basket, more, even than 20. I know this because I obsessively counted them while I put my own items on the conveyer belt, which was difficult to do because she was hogging the whole thing with her canned tuna fish, her iceberg lettuce, and her generic spaghetti sauce. 

If a gentleman places his hand on your knee under the table at a dinner party with the intention of signaling you to shut up, stab him immediately in the eye with a fork (salad fork, place fork, oyster fork or dessert fork are equally apropos).  Use sufficient force to penetrate the meniscus. If eyeball juice squirts onto your food, discreetly push your plate to the side and wave the server over to replace your tainted victuals.