A comprehensive report released Tuesday by Yale University researchers states that men are much more sexually aroused by figuring out the best way to fit items inside of a car than they are when performing coitus with any partner.

1. The three laws of Robotics prevent robots from harming humans. I have harmed humans, mostly emotionally.

2. Robots can be reprogrammed. I cannot be. I am stuck with values were determined by my upbringing, relentless peer pressure and what I see on social media.

“The Nobel Prize is awarded to the person who has done the greatest benefit to humankind”. Well, I have. I’ve been taking birth control pills for over 15 years.

Where to begin? With your relentless negativity? That snotty list of what Wikipedia is not? Not a dictionary, publisher of original thought, means of promotion, blog, memorial site, manual, guidebook, textbook, or scientific journal. Not censored. (Sez who!?!) A nihilistic orgy of not-ness. Contributors (or, to use your cloying jargon, Wikipedians) are told to “Be bold!” Yet boldness, one soon learns, invites retaliation—with accusations and insults including, but hardly limited, to “blatant hoax” (Speedy Deletion Criterion G3) and “no indication of importance” (SDC A7).

Thank you so much for agreeing to speak at our faculty workshop this Fall. Speaking on behalf of all my colleagues (well, almost all of them), we’re delighted to hear about your latest project and to read (or pretend to read) a draft. My assistant may—or may not—be in touch to help you make travel and lodging arrangements for your visit. If you have any difficulties there just let me know, although our staff is unionized and there’s nothing I can do to move things along without triggering the grievance process.