From the beginning, it was clear that there were more than 15 items in her basket, more, even than 20. I know this because I obsessively counted them while I put my own items on the conveyer belt, which was difficult to do because she was hogging the whole thing with her canned tuna fish, her iceberg lettuce, and her generic spaghetti sauce. 

Skin, I’m waterproof.  That’s a feature not emphasized enough when we extol the wonders of this 360-degree, wraparound envelope of living flesh that you exist inside. 

Dear Neighborhood, 
We just wanted to let you know that the potentially erratic behavior of the neighborhood squirrels is completely unrelated to our having dumped a bag of coffee beans in our compost. It was a low quality brand presented to us from our in-laws, but, being the environmentally conscious people we are, we are composting instead of trashing them.

And thence did God see fit to make the top step of the main monastery staircase a little wonky, and he saw that it was wonky, and in terms of health and safety legislation, it wasn’t very good.

‘Mother Superior, on her last visit, almost lost her step’, Brother Hilarious reminded the Head Monk. ‘Do you remember all of those curse words? Never heard anything like it’.

‘Ah yes. The blue nun’, Abbot Skerswell said.

My jogging routine used to be totally normal. After speed walking for a few blocks and then stopping to gasp for air, I would call it quits and Uber back to my apartment to spend the next two days binging marathon training videos.