Dear Alien Visitors,

Let me be the first to welcome you to Earth. And let me assure you right off the bat that I’m not too proud to beg for my life, nor to serve you in any degrading manner you see fit. I’m sure I can make myself useful to you in some small, yet indispensable way. I’m not particularly well informed or intelligent, but I like to think I have better taste and more common sense than the average citizen of our humble little planet. All of my modest abilities are at your disposal.

If you’re not familiar with our languages and cultures I would suggest you first get to know English and American culture, as they are the most revered. Indeed, at times they seem like a virus spreading over the planet. I suppose after this particular epidemic would come Spanish and K-Pop, but I’m afraid I don’t know much about either of those.

If its entertainment you’re after, I can recommend to you with some authority, some of the best America has to offer, as I’ve been a dutiful movie-goer and music-listener for more than thirty years and have done my research.

The movie Willow is a terrific example of the fantasy/adventure genre and holds up despite being made in the 80s. It stars our second most famous little person and Val Kilmer, our third best Batman.

For comedy I suggest Kingpin, starring Woody Harrelson and Bill Murray, which is an underappreciated masterpiece that, I believe, will transcend species. It will most likely make you want to learn about, and try your hand at, bowling, which is a terrific way to pass the time.

More recently super hero movies have come into popularity and the CGI is really quite impressive, though I wonder if you’ll think so. You, in all your obvious technological superiority, probably have holograms that you can touch, taste and smell. Still, I think you’ll find The Incredibles a delight.

As for music, Right Said Fred was a bit of a one hit wonder, but when that wonder is as good as I’m Too Sexy, one is enough. You’ll want to listen to that on repeat with the volume up till your neighbors on nearby planets open hailing frequencies to complain.

I’m Too Sexy is also the perfect song for a fashion-show montage should you ever get the itch. Other than that, there’s something to be said for smooth jazz being great background music at parties and also a good soundtrack for lonesome nights.

When it comes to literature, I suggest you read Memoirs of a Geisha. It’s a wonderful book about Japan written by an American with the leading role of the film adaptation played by the most beautiful Chinese actress money can buy. How can you miss? Personally, I like to read the classics because they make me feel like I’m smarter than other people, but I’d prefer you didn’t so I can lord it over you as well.

I feel like that’s a good start—a taste of the great all-around-culture-guide I could prove to be for your race. I’m hoping, of course, that you’re not just after our natural resources and planning on killing us off as quickly as possible. And if that was your plan I beg you to reconsider. Why don’t you take a few decades to get to know us? There’s so much more to us than ignorance, hatred, and greed, though I admit that sometimes those things seem like some of our defining characteristics.

Some other things you should be sure to check out before murdering us all include coffee, donuts, sarcasm, haiku, Jackson Pollock, Andy Warhol, tattoos, sunbathing, fishing for small mouth bass, the art of flashing peace signs, vodka martinis, beer, social media, graffiti art, and all of the late-night talk shows, sketch-comedy shows and celebrity roasts.

I could go on and on and still not strike on something you’ll love, but that’s the beauty of America—our cultures are full of endless variety and have something for everyone. If you don’t find it with me in New Jersey, I’ll give you the number of a guy I know in Florida named Derrick who runs a vape shop. Maybe you’ll be able to find something you’ll love down there amongst the hot humid air, white-sand beaches and millions of tourists.

In any event, I hope very much that you’ll like it here and that we can learn to live in peace and harmony. And if not, still please consider me for a place among your ranks. If it comes down to it, I will gladly help you in any way I can with the extermination of the human race.

Sincerely,
Your humble servant,

Steve
(or any name you might prefer)
(please please spare me dear god)

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Pete Able’s stories have appeared in Literally Stories, Philadelphia Stories, Blue Lake Review, Spillwords Press, and Johnny America. He also has work forthcoming in Thorn Literary Magazine and The Fiction Pool. He lives in southern New Jersey.