Citizens—or should we say, friends! Because that’s what we are, friends, all of you in your major or minor metropolitan centers that we are addressing, and we, Speed Grub Inc., makers of the best-selling A.I. Blender “The Obliterator,” and the world’s first A.I.-controlled hair dryer, “Crisp Xtreme,” are excited to bring you our latest innovation, the world’s first A.I.-powered fast food drive thru: “Beef 9000!”

My name is Mothereal Mandible, but most just call me “Moth Man” or “Oh my God, what the fuck is that”. Of the two nicknames, I prefer the former. 

When I was younger, I was in all the gifted programs. I excelled in fostering terror and distress. They told me I was going places—wild, exotic places. West Virginia, Eastern West Virginia, the whole state was going to know my name.

I’m not equivocating because, obviously. She was a gardener, though, right? She won that flower thing at the community center back in ’87 and then again in ’93? Now isn’t the time, but there are almost certainly legions more, dead from the pitiless blade of your grandmother’s trowel. I know, I know, I know I shouldn’t bring it up here.

Looking ahead to conditions this week, there is a normal and natural cycle of heat waves in the South and Midwest as an undocumented surge of fronts moves across the US-Mexico border on Sunday, the holy day of the Sabbath.

On Monday, regions in the South will experience another series of northern atmospheric aggressions with cold fronts bringing thunderstorms, high winds, and oppressive government overreach. After an initial series of ineffectual left-leaning frontal bands passes through, a strong high-pressure system, conservatively estimated at 1029.3 millibars, will make the American weekend great again.

ANNA sits at the defendant’s table looking around uncertainly, wearing only her pajama shorts and her boyfriend’s t-shirt.

PROSECUTOR walks across the room, dropping off a paper at the JUDGE’S STAND. She looks similar to Anna except her hair is neatly brushed and she is wearing a professional suit.

THE STENOGRAPHER sits on the other side of the room across from the jury. She looks nearly identical to ANNA, wearing glasses and a skirt.