Dear Whimsical Woodland Wonders Family Products Customer,

We are writing to notify you of a possible safety issue with one of our products. Our records indicate that you have purchased a potentially dangerous Whimsical Woodland Wonders Family item in the past.

I get asked to work in haunted houses a lot.

My sister gets asked all the time to do professional modeling.

We’re both tall, but I get seen as Frankenstein’s monster and my sister gets seen as Naomi Campbell.

There’s a common type of person, known to all people, who is regularly referred to in a pejorative sense. He or she is the lowest form of human and is looked down on even by people who are also this combination of human being and refuse, even though they may not recognize the terrible qualities in themselves.

I was born to be an artist. When I was in the womb, my mother listened to classical music. She claims my conducting gave her bruises. She also loved the oldies station. I did the twist until fluid filled my lungs, causing pneumonia. My natal constitution was made for La Vie Bohème. Although my parents were not very creative, my mother had anxiety. I am grateful for her contributions to my artistic temperament. With inherited neuroses and a weak immune system, I was destined for greatness.

Much to the chagrin of the faux white mustache set at the American Dairy Association, the US Food and Drug Administration recently ruled that plant-based milk alternatives now may be labeled as milk, ending once and for all the “almond doesn’t lactate” era at America’s nutritional policing agency.