I was up to talk to my doctor about Rybelto. I wanted to know what Rybelto did. The guy on the commercial held a bowling ball. Maybe Rybelto improved hand-eye coordination. I wanted better hand-eye coordination so I ate the $50 copay and went to see my doctor. He told me Rybelto wasn’t right for me.
“What about Entresus?” I asked.
He said he didn’t have time and maybe we could discuss it later. The commercial showed a classic T-bird driving the Coast Highway to 60s rock. All I ever drove on the Coast Highway was a Honda so I made an appointment. I had to miss a half-day of work and cough up another $50 copay but I wanted to know what Entresus did and why the commercial said I should talk to him about it.
“You don’t need it,” he said.
“Okay, but what about Entyfigo?” I asked.
He told me I didn’t need that either. As I left the exam room, I realized I hadn’t asked about Tremtyfya, Cibinya, Keycovy, Destruda, Cosenica, Lyrityx, or Eliquivex. I made another appointment.
My insurance company declined to cover these visits. I had to pay an additional $200 but friends and loved ones surrounded the guys in the commercials. They had full heads of hair and wives who looked like 20-year-old models with a few streaks of gray. I wanted to sleep with 20-year-old models and damn it, I wanted to know what this stuff did.
The doctor’s office called and said they’d turn me over to a collection agency if I didn’t pay my outstanding bill. I told them I’d bring the money next week when I’d ask whether Humirify was right for me. It wasn’t but I couldn’t stop now. I raided the kids’ college funds, cashed out my 401k, and made appointments to ask about Latujanx, Xeltuda, Celentix, Chantbrex, Rinvocity, Trulicox, Skyrxulti, Rexizi, Stelcetris, Adcara, Cabeniance, and Jarduva. My work suffered. Debt collectors called at all hours and threatened to garnish my wages. I was so stressed that I made an appointment with my doctor to ask if Abilixent was right for me. My doctor told me I didn’t need it. That night, a woman on an ad said her doctor talked to her about Duprixify. I made an appointment with my doctor and hoped he’d bring it up.
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Jon Wesick is a regional editor of the San Diego Poetry Annual. He’s published hundreds of poems and stories in journals such as the Atlanta Review, Berkeley Fiction Review, New Verse News, Paterson Literary Review, Pearl, Pirene’s Fountain, Slipstream, Space and Time, and Tales of the Talisman. His most recent books are The Shaman in the Library and The Prague Deception. http://jonwesick.com