Dear Kevin in 3C:

Congratulations on the five-day bender. Incredible. How did all those people fit in your apartment? My wife and I thought nothing would ever top your last Labor Day marathon. You’re an inspiration, Kevin. We used to get wild. The baby made us forget. But you’re our reminder, Kevin, that the party’s still out there.

So the first thing is to turn on the baseball game at 7 o’clock. If it’s not 7 o’clock then what you need to do is change into something comfortable, probably shorts. You can try some flip flops but that’s up to you. Just something chill. If it’s still not 7 o’clock once you’re in your clothes you’re going to need to check the news to see what’s been going on. If there’s been anything going on that makes you a little uncomfortable try some cartoons. You could also just read something online.

Whenever the honeysuckle starts to bloom, I’m reminded of the spring when everyone decided it was a great idea for me to ride the back seat of a tandem bicycle with my father-in-law. He wasn’t even my father-in-law yet, which made this imposed, volun-told decree even more profoundly horrible. 

Here at Placebo Meadows we believe that no matter how old you are, you should always be willing to participate in the joy of learning. With that thought in mind, we are pleased to announce this year’s lectures. Dates will be announced in the near future.

My dear fellow members of the Agatha Christie fan club, as club President, I speak to you today in a time of intense sadness for our organization. It has now been two weeks since our newest member, my dear friend Fred, has died, and unfortunately, the police are no closer to cracking his case. His death remains an enigma, no matter how many times I visit his grave, no matter how many times I unearth his casket, and no matter how many times I interrogate him.