Anita envied the wind-chimes. Their moans taunted her as she knocked on the oak door. She needed to steady her breath, so she allowed herself to slump, back flat, against the frame of the house. She hadn’t made much progress when the door creaked open. Anita leapt off of the siding, but she didn’t see who she was expecting. “Sorry. I must have made a mistake. I—”

My steamer died
I’m so depressed
I have to wear a wrinkled dress

A Portland, Oregon, man yesterday apologized for an apparently offensive apology he made earlier in the week. “I realize now that this past apology too ardently articulated a deep remorse for an incident that some did not find offensive in the first place, and I sincerely apologize for offending anyone whom I did not originally offend with my contrition. This is not the man I am,” he said.

Roids, juice, gym candy, muscle crack, vitamin T, anabolic angel dust, the devil’s apple juice. Whether it be for crushing baseballs or crushing pussy, every guy thinks about taking steroids at least once in his life, and if you’re reading this it’s because you’ve hit that crossroads in your life.

Much in the way my hair never looks better than on the day I’m getting it cut, I was my best self on the way to a mental institution. My friend told me she thought I should go and I didn’t have anything else to do and wanted to kill myself so I decided to give it a whirl. I drove myself there with another friend who promised to take my car back to my house, but instead left it, along with my house keys, on the other side of town without telling me, and my phone died while I was locked up so I had to crowbar open a window to get in to charge my phone to figure out what the hell he had done and why. But that was later.