5:00a: Wake-up in a cold sweat with acute nausea. Ask yourself for the 53,732,481 time if this is what you want to do. Tell yourself enthusiastically: “Yes, of course! Getting married has been my top priority since I was baby with formless thoughts.” Go back to sleep, relieved.

7:30a: Wake up for real, take a shower and welcome your bridesmaids. Ask Bridesmaid #1 why she brought a travel container of Starbucks blend coffee, when you, the bride, requested a tallskinnyvanillalatte. When she starts to cry, tell her it’s okay – but, roll your eyes, so she knows that it actually is not okay.

Tired of the “unfair portrayal” of wasps as “pissed-off flying hate machines,” PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, launched their “Wasps Are People Too, In A Way” campaign in early 2012. This was a movement to boost the image of these ornery insects by having them participate in a variety of sporting events, demonstrating that they, too, could engage in cooperative and playful activities. When asked about the logic of this idea, PETA promptly took a few more naked photos of celebrities for their advertisements, and public tempers were conveniently soothed.

Dear Agents of Al-Qaeda:

It is I, Osama bin Laden, your fearless leader—contacting you from a small den where I hide like a tiny mammal during the Cretaceous era. Praise Allah, on with the Jihad, and all that. Now, on to other matters.

All of these creatures are related to the wild ass, a wacky, horse-like animal known for its sly wit, aggressive behavior during mating season, and an inability to effectively manipulate small power tools such as drills, electric hole punchers, and can openers. The wild ass is now virtually extinct, with small pockets of survivors inhabiting semi-desert regions of Northern Tibet. It is estimated that two or three individuals may also exist by attending liberal arts colleges in the Eastern United States, prolonging their stay by changing majors frequently.

Hello, my name is Nick Hilbourn and I’m a professional English major. I would like to move away from the humor column format to talk about an important social topic: stabbing.

Common decency does not stop at the dinner table. Even as we speak, people are being stabbed without so much as an ‘excuse me’ or ‘hello, how are you?’ It is the downfall of society when something as small as a simple stab cannot be done without a bit cordiality.