I’m sure you all think that you know what it means to be a walker. After all, you tell me, “Emanuel, after all, I tell you, walking is just putting two feet and two legs in front of the other again and again until a walking motion is developed!” And this is true enough, I suppose—of walking at its most basic level. However, a True Walker (capital T, capital W) knows the difference between the “dabblers of walk” and the more serious Walking Professionals.

Dear Friends,

After extensive study, I have finally discovered the one and only- the finest way to cook breakfast. It’s safe to say All the World will benefit from my discovery, so upon reading this article, don’t just keep it to yourself. Please inform your friends as well.

The practice of medicine is not as complicated as many people make it out to be. It’s not brain surgery. At least not usually. Have you ever watched Mystery Diagnosis? Dissected a fruit fly? Made your spouse wait for you while you reprogrammed your cell phone? See, I told you so. You know more about performing a quadruple bypass than many ophthalmologists, and they went to medical school.

MS. BLACK. Good morning everyone. I hereby call the Subcommittee on Government Organization, Efficiency, and Financial Management to order. I see that all the members are present and accounted for, so let’s begin.

I recognize myself for an opening statement.

We have been assembled today to review an unprecedented, highly worrisome, and seemingly impossible development. According to a study published by the Gallup Poll last week, Congress’ already abysmally low approval rating has dropped into the negatives for the first time in history.

To Mr. Timmy Smothers,

Since 2000 Grandpaternal Incorporated (G.I.) has dedicated itself to ensuring that you receive the highest quality Grandparents. We consider our Grandparents the best money can buy in performance and longevity.

Having said this, it pained us to hear of your complaint that your 2005 Grandfather unit, make: 72-year-old male and model: Caucasian retired Toll Booth Operator, were not lucid and using curse words with guests. It is also upsetting to hear your Grandfather was urinating in the flower bushes, walking around the house nude and attempting to strike members of your family with a broken table leg. This is uncalled for and we sincerely apologize for this inconvenience. A G.I. crew will be sent to your home as soon as possible to remove your faulty grandparents and replace them with new ones.

Sincerely,

Arnold Johnson

Grandpaternal Incorporated Marketing Director