“Your Little Jessica is Clearly in the 58th Percentile,” by Amy Vansant

Apr 25th, 2012 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

It’s so cute, the way your little Jessica jumps for the bow in my Chloe’s hair. Jessica has good taste, I can tell you that! Jessica is… what?  Three?  Oh, she’s four? So is my Chloe! They must be in the same class at Key School! No? Not in school?  Oh. Well, Jessica’s only four. I understand. Chloe’s been in school since birth, but she’s 98th percentile in “attention adaptability” so we feel it would be irresponsible NOT to keep her away at school most of the time. They charge us four times as much, but it’s worth every penny.

Yes, she is quite large for her age. Funny story about that…As a baby Chloe clamped on to me and we couldn’t detach her for six days. Had to pry her little gums open with a pair of silver ice tongs and a car jack. But there’s a bright side! We’re sure that incident accounts for her 99th percentile score in “atypical evolution progression,” and it saves so much money being able to share clothes with her. Thousands, really.

Whoops! Looks like Chloe’s lodged in the slide tube! Oh don’t worry, she’s broken free of much stronger materials than that—there she goes. Told you. Nothing to worry about at all.

I just wanted to thank you for inviting Chloe to Jessica’s birthday party. We’ve never been to a place like this before. We had Chloe’s fourth birthday at the Hilton, but it was a mistake, I’ll tell you. The shrimp was room temperature. Horrible. Chloe’s 97th percentile in “environmental sensitivity,” so it was pretty upsetting for her. The party had an Egyptian archaeology theme, and between the warm shrimp and King Tut showing up two hours late, the man playing the mummy should have known better than to chase her like he did. Even so, we offered to pay for all his medical expenses. Your party is nice and simple. No elaborate sarcophagi. It’s just that Chloe is 95th percentile in “anatomical mania” and she’s always had a love for old bones. Any remains, really. When her Nana died we couldn’t pry her away from the casket. We had to grease her hands with dish soap and get the funeral director to help pull. She SO curious!

What’s that? Licking the wall? Oh, Chloe’s testing the chemical composition of the felt. She’s 93rd percentile in “sensory audaciousness,” that’s how I know. She uses 100% of her senses for everything. It can be very exciting.

Look! Now my Chloe’s trying to bury your Jessica in the plastic ball pit! How wonderful of Jessica to assist Chloe with her relentless experimentation. Adorable. There’s your little Jessica now!—oh, never mind, she’s down again. Would you like some gum? I had to dig through all of Chloe’s Chess Participation ribbons, but I found my pack. Chloe’s 96th percentile in “square identification” so chess was a no-brainer. On her personal chess set she snapped the head off the king and queen to promote sexual equality. She’s quite the little activist! We’re not sure what eating the pawns represents; something to do with the role of the proletariat.

So, anyway, we must get going. Chloe is 92nd percentile in “pattern consistency” and if we don’t keep her on a tight schedule she gets pretty creative with her hair. Our gift is on the pile; it’s the one wrapped in organic natural fiber paper with Chloe’s art in red marker, right there on the left. You’ll know Chloe’s paper! She’s 94th percentile in “creative defacement” and designed it herself as a surprise when we left it unattended on the table.  I’m pretty sure she tested its chemical composition as well, so I apologize if it is a little damp.

Happy birthday to little Jessica. I’m sure we’ll see her in school when she catches up! Ciao!


Amy Vansant’s humor has appeared in McSweeney’s, Cavalier Literary Couture, Skirt! The Big Jewel, and others. She was once published simultaneously in SURFER and Modern Maturity magazine. Tragically, the articles were reversed, resulting in the drowning deaths of four octogenarians and Kelly Slater’s life-long obsession with canasta. You can find her at http://www.kidfreeliving.com.

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