On your last math test you answered several questions correctly but deliberately tried to erase your steps toward finding the answers. You are clearly a genius. So when I received your “Dogs are the Best” story I was excited to read it at lunch, while smoking in my car. I loved it.

Man Down the Hall leaves his place three times a day, carrying nothing as he crosses the parking lot to his indistinct car. The first outing occurs around 9:00 a.m. and lasts about fifteen minutes, after which he returns with a disposable hot drink cup, presumably filled with coffee. The cup’s logo is yet to be determined. The matter has not been investigated with binoculars.

Dear Duke Thomas Wakefield,

I much appreciate the invitation to the racetrack for opening day. The grand spectacle of domesticated stallions galloping across the groomed track is most enjoyable. The glee brought from viewing the spectacular mammals outweighs the discomfort brought on by the sweating mass of working class would be rioters in attendance.

Dear Editor,

This is a letter to the editor because I don’t have money for a classified ad but I still need people to be in my band.

My band is called Elbows in Elevators. Band rehearsals will happen every day in my basement, but we will move into the garage once I sell my piece of crap car.

All right guys, can everybody hear me in the back? Parents, go ahead and turn up your hearing aids if you need to! Haha, just messing with you.

Anyways, welcome to Batesman College. I’m Tyler and I’ll be showing you around. Now, you guys probably already recognize Batesman from the Boner University movies, which were all filmed right here. Pretty cool, right? That was our campus in the original 1983 Boner University: The Motion Picture, and then in Boner U 2: Panty Raid, Boner University III: Dorklinger’s Revenge, then in Boner University: Kappa Gamma Boner, Boner University: Red, White, and Boner, BU2000, and in some of the establishing shots of Boners in Brazil and Euroboner.