I lie back on the table, naked, draped in paper, awaiting my exam. I assume the position, heels in stirrups, exposing my privates to an air conditioned gust. Time crawls by and I’m thinking, “Why didn’t they let me read magazines in the lobby where the light’s so much more flattering?” I hate being alone in this room so prone to ruminating.

My ten year try at true love had turned loveless two years before. Then, I’d rushed into a frantic romance, which ended soon as the guy recognized it as a rebound. This was followed by the realization that my last period had put the period on my menses, and probably put the period on men. Menopause? More like Men-o-stop. My allotment of orgasms had apparently expired with my eggs.

Last year’s Paris Conference on Climate change has focused the world’s attention on global warming. Especially Canadians, who are wondering when exactly it will get here, already.

Trusted celebrities have issued warnings that we must act now for the sake of our children’s future environment. However, I don’t think the children really care that much, given the condition of their rooms.

The recent increase in smartphone usage and the upsurge in the popularity of ebooks and the many forums dedicated to discussing and enjoying books and literature have contributed to the growing concern about reading. Studies by many medical professionals have linked reading to many dangerous activities such as temporarily ignoring reality, using imagination, calling attention to real-world issues, becoming attached to characters, creating theories and critically analyzing stories, and using already generated work to inspire so-called “fan-work” to express appreciation.

1. Be born, and given an unremarkable name with some slight variation that makes it difficult to spell or pronounce.

2. Have a birthday party at a young age in which you’re the centre of attention. Crave this attention for the rest of your life.

3. Endure family issues throughout your childhood, preferably with your father.

Sprightly: Good afternoon, this is Robin from XYZ Insurance. I’m sorry I’ve missed you. Interested in saving some of that hard-earned cash? Well XYZ can help. Give me a moment to explain.

In a hushed whisper: I’m supposed to be asking you to agree to a competitive insurance quote but I’m just so burned out on this job I can’t even go through the spiel. I mean really, WHO CARES? Insurance companies are such self -serving rip-off artists. And my boss is an obese cootie who drops everything to watch me make coffee. Gives me the creeps. If he makes one more joke about insuring my body parts, I swear I’ll call the Better Business Bureau. Freak.